Letters to The Boy Who Lived

24. No Time - Vincent Crabbe

Dear Harry,

I'm to teach you about having no time in this letter. This is my story.

I always thought that I had time; time enough to finally do what I wanted, go where I wanted, be who I wanted. But now... all that time is gone.

My entire life was lived for 'later;' I'll do homework later, I'll make decisions later. Always I had assumed there was a later time or day that things could be done in. Of course this started with the usual things like homework and cleaning, but before I knew it, it had escalated into so much more.

Entering Hogwarts, my mindset was 'make friends now, be myself later.' I was the short, chubby brainiac no one wanted to be friends with. Sure, I could recite the quadratic equation or explain a scientific phenomenon, but no one seemed to care; no one seemed to want to know. I quickly learned to shut up and pretend to act stupid. If that's how you got friends at Hogwarts, then that's what I'd do.

I worked, to my surprise. I knew Draco Malfoy slightly, because our fathers knew each other, but Draco had never really reached out to me for a friendship. However, at Hogwarts, everyone was looking for a friend; even Draco, although he was more shopping for sidekicks than real friends. He looked at Gregory Goyle and me, Vincent Crabbe, and must have decided that we were the two biggest idiots headed for Slytherin, and therefore qualified as good sidekicks.

I was nervous about it, but kept my mouth shut. I did that a lot, actually. I was always anxious about what sort of intelligent comment I might let slip, and so my mouth stayed almost perpetually closed. But this was more than I'd ever wanted; sure, my father was a Death Eater, but I think I was smart enough to realize the Dark Lord's ways were wrong, and I knew full well that Malfoy was headed the same direction. So why did I cling to him, follow him right into Slytherin? Simple. No one else had paid attention to me, so I was going to follow him to the ends of the earth. I'd find my own way later.

It was a daily struggle between the two sides of my life, those first few years. As I continued to choose Malfoy and stupidity, the other side fought less and less, until finally there was simply no question. Sure, the other side was still there, and I would occasionally think, "What if this is 'later'? Is today the day to make amends for everything I've done?"

The day never came. It wasn't hard to set that murderous fire; but when I began to realize I'd lost control, I panicked. It symbolized my very life: I had a fire within, a fire of evil, and while I could control and counter it with the good inside of me, I got along ok. But as I let the fire take over, I lost control, and I was never able to make amends.

'Later' never came for me. I never got to say sorry. Harry Potter, I am sincerely sorry.

Harry, live every day as though it is your last. Be who you want to be now - don't wait until you have no time left.

~Vincent Crabbe

***

Hey there! This letter actually really hit home for me. Am I pushing things off for later? What if I never have a later? It's a good mindset to have; not all the YOLO stupidity, but thinking about how you impact lives around you with how you live.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed it. Next up: Trelawney! Oh boy...

RVC(:

~Tori