The Love Affair

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Where did I want to begin?

Did I want to begin at the start? The existence of Rose and Nick's story? Where that all began? How we were innocent love sick puppies unable to keep our paws off one another? How he was my first? How I assumed he'd be my eternal love. And then what? Do I admit to my affair? Let the floodgates open and drown the therapist with all these conflicting emotions stocked up within me. What was the right way to do this?

So many questions were orbiting my mind at that point. I felt nauseous and dazed like someone had just injected my with a drowsy drug. I couldn't even think straight let alone speak.

The therapist cleared her throat. "I'm sorry, let me rephrase that. Let's---let's start with you and your husband. How was it before? I assume from what you've briefly mentioned over the phone call we'd had yesterday that problems are rooted within your marriage? So, just tell me how you're feeling." She readjusted her notepad before smoothing out the small creases forming on her skirt.

I literally felt like I was being suffocated, slowly loosing air. I didn't know if I could do this. My legs reacted first dragging me up to my feet as I hastily dashed towards the door. My hand edged for the door knob ignoring the fact that I was going to leave without my coat.

"Rose!" She called after me. "Please, I know this is hard but it's important you discuss it. I...understand and I can assure you, whatever you say remains confidential between us. This space is sacred," she explained, a degree of plea tucked well within her tone. She was edging off her chair, a sympathetic smile playing on her lips as she beckoned me to return. "You can confide in me, Rose. You have to otherwise it's going to tear you apart and I'd hate to see you break down. I want only the best for my clients," she added with a gentle tone.

I looked to the door knob quietly debating within my mind whether I should go or stay. But before my brain could devise a decision, my feet were pulling me back towards the chair and under observation. Liza, the therapist, smiled warmly as she sat back into her own chair and waited patiently for me to settle.

"I'm...sorry," I muttered, twitching my knees as I refused to look her within the eyes. "I'm...not normally like this. I feel like my rational side is slowly depleting away, like I'm losing myself along with it half the time," I admitted, grateful that she wasn't immediately scribbling down notes as if I were an experiment. There was some comfort in the fact that she was just listening, remaining attentive to every word I said than interrupting me and bombarding me with questions to as to why I was feeling that way.

"I-I'm concerned about my marriage," I confessed and then I found myself revealing further. "And I've cheated...I've cheated on my husband with the man who lives next door. And I don't understand why or—or why I've gone against my morals but I just can't stay away. I feel like I've been replaced, like I'm not me. I love my husband...but not like before. I'm a monster. I can't even fucking make my mind up on who I want." I stopped, my heart beat was thumping fast and my hands were fidgeting in the pits of my lap. I eventually met her eyes wondering what she thought of me. Did she think I was wicked? Would she refuse to give me a session? Would she have nothing to say? I had no idea and that frightened me. My eyes quickly flickered to the wedding frame I had observed earlier, envious that she had that perfect marriage, that faithful marriage I didn't have no more.

"Rose, just breathe for me for a second or two. Can you do that?" she asked, angling her head to the right. I nodded trying my best to settle my nerves as I took two huge sucks in.

"Good." She smiled. "Now, I just want you to relax. Okay? We're going to go through all of this but I just need you to be relaxed and comfortable. And again, this environment we're in, you have nothing to fear. Whatever is said remains here. Okay?"