When Love Bites (published)

Chapter-16

I signed my first deal without the help of my Dad. I was full of happiness and I started working for it from that very moment. I called Miss Neetu and asked her to order the raw material from Mittal industries.
I planned to watch a movie as I could not do anything without the raw material. I quickly called Abhishek to accompany me but he didn't answer the call. I called in Miss Neetu to my cabin.
"I am going out for a movie. Keep me updated about this project" I told her..
"Okays, sir" she glared at me and added "Do you need any assistance, sir?"
"No, thanks" I replied and moved out.
I reached the PVR and bought the ticket. Thankfully, I didn't have to wait for too long as the show started about 30 minutes after I bought the ticket.
My phone rang just after the movie got started. It was Abhishek.
I took the call.
"Hey" I whispered.
"Hey! Sorry I was busy and couldn't pick up your call" he explained.
"It's okay. I am in PVR and I called you to join me" I whispered again.
"I am so sorry dude, I will catch you up next time" he replied.
"Yeah, it's okay. I will call you later" I said and hung up.
The movie was good, I guess. To be honest, I didn't pay attention to it. She was the only thing in my mind. It's just there was an empty seat next to me, a crack in the dam. That one song came up and my ears blew up. I had demons inside me trying to cough their way out of my chest. I was sick of having to go around and la
ugh and joke and pretend I was all happy I was messed up from inside and done with everything. I was sick of having to-do things that I never really wanted to do. I was sick of not being able to explain and defend myself nor say how I felt. I was sick of the way I talked and acted in front of people and how every situation made me too nervous and the way my heart dropped every time my phone rang. I was sick of trying yet failing to change and fix myself.
The hardest part about losing her wasn't the fact that she left. It was the days,, the weeks and the months after she left that continued to break me. it was her scent that still lingered in my clothes, the playlist we made which still found it's way to my radio; those are what truly tore me apart. Her leaving was devastating but the storm that pounded down on me afterwards was what destroyed me. The memories, the habits that I was now forced to break, learning to live without her was the hardest part of it all.
I ran out of the theatre and drove off to home with her memories flashing on the windshield of my car. I reached my apartment, ran upstairs into my room and slammed the door. I didn't remember the time when I slept that day but I remember that all my sleeps were unsound.
***
I woke up, hoping I don't fall anymore but I never knew that it was going to be the worst day of my life until that time. I got a text from Miss Neetu that Mittal industries denied to provide us what we ordered. That message shook me up from head to toe.
I quickly dressed up and reached the office.
"What happened" I asked Miss Neetu hoping that it was a joke.
"They denied, intentionally" she replied, dropping her shoulders.
"Intentionally? Why?" I questioned.
"Because our rivals bought them" she answered.
She explained me the whole plot which they set up against me which directly put me in a loss of 23 lakhs.
I told my Dad about that and he still motivated me to give my best but I clearly understood the disappointment in his voice. I just drove here and there all day, thinking about all the mistakes I made till that day.
I went back home and tried to sleep but failed. There was a combination of my feelings for her and the loss I made in my business. I was at that point...of exhaustion. Not from lack of sleep but lack of rest...of the thoughts swinging on that childish carousel, of the darkness and no stars to light the way, of the terror of not being to understand my own life. The imagination that once was so unbelievably mesmerizing in childhood that was now the bane of my utter consciousness. I was so worn that I couldn't fathom even going to sleep. I might not have insomnia but fuck, depression had me feeling that I would prefer it. It was not my body keeping me awake but the thoughts swirling in my mind in chaos, irrational and illogical ideas that rampaged through me. I didn't understand the concept of peace anymore. I didn't comprehend a homely feeling as I used to. My thoughts terrorized the idea that I could ever be at peace. To sleep, to dream of a world that was joyous as I once had, now filled with the demons that I kept hidden for so long. They came out to play, no, not play but instead to wreak havoc. They were always there on that carousel riding slowly to the beat of my memories waiting patiently for the chance to come out. They were there and oh! so strong. They had names and they were the pain I was hiding. I learned to just welcome them because god only knew what would happen if I ever tried to fight with them off. I couldn't sleep because that was when they truly came out. They were in absolute control in my terrors. Every night, I saw so many devilish faces smiling at me, clawing and ripping into the memories. The ecstasy that I loved so dearly all this time, called happiness, it was gone now. My demons had claimed me that as you would a new planet. A new land they had conquered, for so long they were growing stronger and trying with each passing day and they won. They finally beat me down with no escape route in site. I was bloody and battered into the dust of battlefield. I lost the hope. I saw no rest in site for me. no near future of a day that was calm from those notions. To sleep was merely to let then in but I am a human. My body needed to sleep in order to survive and I could only prolong it so long. I was losing every war within myself. I lost all control over myself and I just needed rest. I tried cigarettes, alcohol, everything but no amount of numbing fixed it to that point. It only prolonged the inevitable that the war was over, and I lost it and now I had to look upon the battlefield and try to muster up the remaining energy to become myself again. Honestly, was that even possible? Was there anything left? There had to be, as battered and conquered as I was, that war was never over but only to see the sun set upon the dust and destruction. If you could be in my consciousness, you would have seen such a beautiful tantalizing site that would have made you eager and also distraught to finish the story. To see where it will lead. I didn't know the answer to it but I knew surely there had to be one and in order for me to find out, I must continue. I started talking to myself 'I must not quit now. This is my lowest point and I am going to climb the fuck back up. I will murder every demon to climb atop their bodies and triumph into a new beginning. To a new battle, a new war zone over the previous because this is life. falling down, scraping your knees and getting back up for more. We are only humans and we all have demons. I will vanquish mine. I may not have the strength at this moment but I will. I have the conviction to do so. One day I will win and one day I will lay my head onto this pillow and I will get the rest I deserve and I will show up to this god damned world what I am capable of. I will prove each one of them wrong who told me that I can't achieve anything in life. I will soon know the patterns in my hands like I knew the flecks in her eyes.'