Unforgettable

31.

"These arms of mine, they are lonely
Lonely and feeling blue

These arms of mine, they are yearning
Yearning from wanting you"

Song: These Arms Of Mine - Otis Redding.

***

I stayed up until midnight, waiting for Harry to come home, before I decided just to go to bed.

I basically spent the whole time sitting in a trance, numb over the choice I just made.

Isn't this suppose to hurt more? Why do I only feel relief? Shouldn't I be sad?

I made sure I had his presents ready for tomorrow, it hurt my heart to look at them, wondering if he'd even be here.

I'm so lost in my own head it isn't funny, I just don't know what to do with myself. All I've done is think, trying not to ignore everything for once.

I thought I'd feel more hollow without Dylan, like my life was over, but I don't. It feels more like I've just removed a splinter, whereas the idea of Harry not being here feels like I've removed my entire heart.

It feels empty, and cold and void.

It doesn't feel like home without him here.

Or maybe that's just the feeling inside of me. I keep getting that nagging in me, that I shouldn't just feel like this about a friend, I keep making excuses, but I'm running out of them.

I'm gay.

Well, apparently not - I think?

Unless I'm gay for Harry.

I'm in a relationship.

Not anymore.

We're just friends.

I don't think we are anymore, at least not for me.

He could never fall in love with me.

I still believe that.

I could never fall in love with him.

I don't believe that anymore...

I'm not good enough for him.

I don't know how to not believe that.

I love him so damn much, I want the best for him, and I don't think I'm the best at all.

If I'm questioning all of this, I could never tell him until I was sure, if I told him at all. I don't want to use him, I refuse to let him be an experiment on my sexuality, he deserves more than that.

I just wish I could talk to him about it, it's so hard being so confused about all of this and the one person you go to because you trust them so much, you can't.

Maybe, I could just, be vague about it if I talk to him and have some kind of support with it.

His age still nags at me as well, I don't want to steal his twenties from him, steal experiences from him, he's still so young.

I lost my twenties to Dylan, I don't want to be that for him.

I laid in bed for an hour, just staring at the ceiling, listening to music, trying to let the life changing realisations sink in.

I'm single.

I'm not gay.

I have feelings for my best friend.