Red Like Rubies

Guilt

Joseph came down a few minutes later. He loaded his suitcase in the trunk and sat down next to Sebastian. "I'm ready."

"Good to hear." Sebastian started the engine and drove in the direction of his house.

At first, they both were quiet but then Sebastian took the word. "I don't have to work this weekend... just like you, obviously. We wanted to go to the zoo. Wanna come with us?"

"Sure. I'd love to." Joseph smiled a little.

"Alright." Sebastian smiled back. "You could draw some animals."

"I could." Joseph nodded. "If you want me to."

"You said it clears your mind. Might help."

"Thank you, Doctor Castellanos."

"Heh... don't make fun of me. I'm really trying to help."

"I know. And I'm grateful." Joseph sighed a little. "I just want you to know that... I didn't want to hurt you in that way I did. I know that you are my friend and of course I knew you care about me and that you probably just forgot your phone, like always." He sniffed, nearly bursting into tears again. "I didn't realize what I was saying. I was in panic."

"You don't have to apologize." Sebastian took a brief look at him. "I deserve to feel guilty."

"No! You couldn't know..."

"But I could fucking fuck my wife!" Sebastian brushed his face, nearly in tears by himself. He had to drive to the curbside and stop the car. His hands were shaking.

"Sebastian..." Joseph took his right hand, gently stroking over it.

"I... I'm sorry." Sebastian looked at him, tried to fake a smile, but couldn't.

"You don't have to feel guilty."

"But I do!" Sebastian now cried, supporting his forehead by his hand. Joseph just took the other one, permanently stroking it. He didn't say anything, but his forgiveness was also comforting.

"You did safe my life more then once", Joseph finally said. "With knowing and without knowing. I am suicidal and it was dumb from me to leave therapy and cross out the meds. It's not your fault, it's my own. Maybe I could have acted clearer, if I still took my meds. But I didn't."

"It was not your fault that you got raped and needed help!" Sebastian put out an old used tissue of his trouser pocket, drying his eyes.

"It actually was my fault that it happened", Joseph said quietly.

Sebastian looked at him in shock. "You... wanna tell me?"

Joseph closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I... I went to a blind date party."

"You? I didn't expect you to be the type of doing such stuff."

"It was my first one." Joseph looked down on his fingers. "I got an invitation. Just an advertising mail that probably everyone in Krimson and surroundings got. It said they'd throw a huge blind date party including rooms for all sexualities and genders. I... I just thought..." He shrugged. "I don't even know. Maybe I thought I'd finally be able to move on over everything and find a new love. It's pretty silly to expect something like that out of a blind date party, but... I guess I'm desperate and alone, I'm allowed to be like that. Well... I went there and... well... there were lots of gross guys, searching for a one-night-stand. So I left pretty fast. But one of the guys I was talking to... he followed me. And... got himself what he wanted."