The Tattoo // Joshler AU

Chapter Eighteen

Josh's POV

I woke up crying. The nightmare had happened again. Tyler screaming at me, telling me how much he hated me, how he'd never leave Jenna, how she was everything that he wanted. It was the worst thing.

But today was worse. 

"Josh? Josh, come on, we have to get up." Debby's small voice floated through the room, and even by her tone, I could tell that she was almost as unenthusiastic about today as I was.  It had been around four months since Jenna had proposed.

They'd spent Christmas together, just them. They'd been the most adorable couple ever. I hated it. Recently, all of Tyler's family had been delighted to hear the news, and had flown over to plan the wedding.

It was going to be held in the Rose Garden in Exposition Park, with both Jenna's and Tyler's friends and family attending. 

After we'd had an argument that day, I didn't talk to Tyler. I didn't want to know anything about his wedding, nor hear about how Jenna had treated him to a holiday in France for their one year anniversary. I just ignored him completely. 

Eventually, Tyler wanted to speak to me, and I let him in again. Perhaps a little too much. For a short while, we were best friends again, laughing at our inside jokes, and often watching Disney movies that grown men should be ashamed to be seen with. It didn't matter to us, though. 

Then, I told him how I felt. 

Flashback 

"Tyler, I have to tell you something." I sighed, not knowing how he would react. I finally opened my mouth to speak.

"You are the best friend I've ever had. You get me completely, and for that, I'm so grateful. The thing is, Ty, to me, you're not just a friend. You mean everything to me. I know, I know that you have Jenna, and that you're getting married, but I needed to tell you."

Tyler's mouth was open in shock. 

"Tyler Robert Joseph, I'm completely in love with you. I knew I loved you as soon as I saw you. Your smile lights up my world. You make me laugh at completely nothing. Your eyes captivate me. But every time I look at you, it's bittersweet, because I know that I can never have you."

I was crying most unattractively, and Tyler just looked confused. 

"I'll never be able to hold you. I can't ever whisper cute things in your ear, because you already have someone to do that for you. I'll never fall asleep next to you, never wake up to your gorgeous face. I want to have adorable nights in with you, I want to plan the perfect date for you." 

My sobs got even uglier, if that was even possible.

"I never will, though. Because you have her, and if she makes you happy, I'd never be able to take that away from you. I never want to hurt you, and if losing her would hurt you, so be it. I can live with my own pain. You won't have me after the 18th of June, but honestly, I need you to be happy. If you are, then I can die happily, knowing that the man I love is okay."

Tyler tried to speak, but I kept talking, not wanting to hear the inevitable confirmation of my rejection. 

"I love you so fucking much, okay?"

Tyler nodded, and with that, I left. I knew the rejection would have been even more painful in words. 

End Flashback 

Things were difficult after that. He never told Jenna about my confession, but we never talked about it.

Honestly, though, that was how I wanted it.