An Alpha's Claim

Honesty

J walked numbly towards the chair she'd been directed towards. Doc pulled on his white coat and took a seat beside her at his desk. Jonathon had delivered her here and then gone in search of Logan.

They hadn't spoken since the bunker. 'Because you don't want her to'. Doc really thought she didn't want her wolf back?

Of course she did. Every day she felt the loss of her. J felt weak – she was weak – and she was dying because her wolf was missing. How many times had she wished she had her wolf so that she could scent better, see better or kill better? How many times had she hoped her wolf might return?

Of course, it hadn't been all bad, J supposed. Her wolf had been out of control, her lust for blood and violence becoming too much, even for J. Her wolf had also been untameable and had been growing too powerful for her. She was a beast, a vicious, vicious beast. She was a monster.

Which is exactly what J thought she had been too – she thought she was the daughter of a monster, raised to be a monster, then given a wolf who was such a monster that she murdered her own moonmate.

But all of that had been wrong. J had been wrong about so many things. She wasn't the daughter of a monster. Her wolf hadn't killed her moonmate. And maybe, maybe she wasn't a monster either. But her wolf had been. Her wolf had been the monster even when J couldn't face it. It had been her who'd killed Caine, who'd killed those invading alphas...

J shuddered with the memories of the bloodshed, they felt like they belonged to someone else now. So much had changed.

"J," Doc urged, as though he'd been repeating himself for a while.

"Huh?" J – always so eloquent, blushed.

Doc smiled warmly, "I was saying that I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you, I-"

J raised her hands to her cheeks and realised she'd been crying. "Oh, no. Don't-don't worry. I was just...thinking."

Doc nodded, waiting for her to go on.

"I just...so much has changed. I've changed. My wolf, she....she doesn't feel like me any more. I'm just so tired, Doc. So tired of it all."

Doc nodded again, "have you heard from her, at all? Any sense of her?"

J shook her head. "I don't think so." But she has, hasn't she? Just occasionally. A little whisper here and there. A sense of something.

"You know, when I lost Darcy, I-" Doc paused and J winced at the pain in his voice. "I hoped MSA would take me. I don't know if you know, but Darcy and I weren't moonmates."

J's head popped up, she hadn't known that. She'd just assumed they were.

"So, MSA wasn't guaranteed to kill me, but I'd hoped it would." J couldn't look away from the raw honesty in Doc's eyes. "I preyed for death every single day, until I realised I was being selfish. That Darcy hadn't chosen to die, and therefore nor could I. I knew I had to keep living, if for nothing else than for her. It took me a long time before I could shift though. My wolf was mourning and I knew he resented me, and I him. We didn't save Darcy. We should have done."

J went to interrupt, to tell him that there'd been no way to know, that nothing could have saved Darcy from Caine. No one even knew she was missing until her body had been found, along with a note from J's ex-alpha, Caine, to Cassidy.

Doc raised his hand to silence her, "I know we couldn't have known, but that doesn't mean I didn't blame myself. My point is, J, the reason that I couldn't shift into my wolf form wasn't about losing Darcy, it was about my resentment towards my wolf. Which is why I thought that might be your issue too."

"I don't resent her, I-I miss her." J assured him – and herself.

Doc smiled half-heartedly. "I'm sure you do. But...you said yourself, you're different now J. It's been two years and your world has changed. You've changed. But your wolf isn't some deadly creature that you have no control over. She's a part of you. If you've changed, then the likelihood is that she has to. Your wolf has done some amazing things over the years – you've done some amazing things."

J scoffed, interrupting him, "my wolf's done some deadly things. Some dangerous things. She's killed, maimed, tortured," J spat.

"Yes. She did. But she didn't do those things for sport. She didn't do it because she wanted to," J scoffed again, but Doc kept talking, "she did it to protect you. To protect your friends, your family. She did it so that you, the human side, didn't have to. She isn't evil J. And nor are you."

J looked down at her hands, picking at her nails, unwilling to look up at Doc and acknowledge the truth in his words. "I-I don't know who she is anymore. Who I am."

Doc's hand rested on J's shoulder and he squeezed gently, "none of us do, J. We just have to keep evolving, keep adapting. A month ago you were the human alpha of a wolf pack who used to hunt you. Now, you're mated to the leader of the Black Oath Pack. Things change. Life changes. You change. It's not a bad thing, J. Trust that your wolf will change too."

J nodded, but refused to believe him. She shook his hand off and abruptly stood, "I should get back to Logan. I don't want to be gone too long..."

Doc nodded and stood up, gesturing towards the door, "yes, go. If you need any help with him, let me know."

J nodded but knew she wouldn't ask for help, Doc probably knew it too.

As she made her way out of the medical centre, she couldn't help tears that rolled down her cheeks. She stood for a moment in the gentle breeze of the wind, before taking a deep breath and heading in the direction of Logan. In the direction of home.

*
A/N

Part 2 of today's two-part update :)

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend...

More on Monday ;)