Goodbye...Tracy Beaker

she called me dad.

Today has arrived and I'm just not ready. I feel like I'm gonna be sick. This is my official goodbye to Tracy...

All the kids comes downstairs in brightly coloured outfits, which I'm happy about because they respected her wishes. 

I try to say something but my throat instantly feels like it's going to close up, so Gina takes over and leads us all out to the minibus, where we'll meet Cam at her house and then all go  together...

I can hear sniffles behind me, everyone's trying to stay strong and they shouldn't have to.

"Guys, it's a very upsetting day you don't need to be scared to be upset" I tell them

They look up at me and nod silently, lost in their own thoughts, as we pick Cam up we go to Tracys favourite place, Cam cradling Tracys ashes close to her chest, it's all too real. It's painful. Especially with the change of plan.

Cam got really upset a few days ago, panicking about Tracy being in the dirt and the cold by herself, and I really felt for her, because I feel the same way, and so even though we aren't following Tracys rules, I hope she doesn't mind. I'm sure she'd much rather not have her mum upset.

We pull over and everyone smiles, we're at the beach, Tracys favourite place. And I instantly remember 2002...

"Do you want to say a few words?" I say turning to the kids, as we leave the minibus, the beach is full of happy cries and laughs, people acknowledge us and look at us mourningly

Lily steps forward, raising her hand and I nod, giving her a smile as she looks up to the sky.

"I miss you so much Tracy, you were the only one who understood me, like a big sister, you knew how I felt about Poppy and Rosie, you knew when I was upset, when I was hiding something from you...you were always the one who looked after me, the one I didn't have to look after, you were so caring and kind, and you meant so much to me, you still do, thank you for getting me back with poppy and Rosie, I won't ever be able to repay you for that"

"Lovely words Lil" I say, trying to quench my tears as everyone else steps forward and says what they need to say, and they're so kind, everything they say is so sentimental, and Tracy would love it

"Mike?"

I turn to see Cam next to me, her hand on my shoulder, the kids have gone to get an ice cream with Gina to try raise their spirits, deciding to say what they want to say at home in their bedrooms which I completely understand

"I thought you'd want to do this alone"

I nod, she's right.

I turn to her, feeling the tears well up. "Thank you"

She pats my shoulder before turning and walking away, leaving me alone with Tracy.

"I never thought this day would come. Especially not this early......"

I drift off, trying not to cry, I don't know what to say. How do you say goodbye to someone who was like your daughter? How do you say goodbye to someone who you spent almost your entire life raising and caring for? The one who made you smile, not just a smirk or a reluctant smile, a massive beam of happiness. The one who understood my jokes and would laugh along with me...

Cam places her hand on my shoulder and nods encouragingly, giving me the confidence to say goodbye.

"Not a day goes by that I don't think about you Trace, you were...you are, so special, you changed the lives of those kids, who felt alone and abandoned, you gave them hope, made them realise they're not alone, made them feel safe and okay to be themselves. And I can't quite thank you enough for that. You already know how much you meant to me, how much you made me laugh and smile. And I was so proud of you. Everything you did, even the disastrous Tracy Plans, you had good intentions and a big heart. I'm never gonna forget you kiddo.."

I look out to the sea, trying my hardest not to cry, there's so much more I want to say. But it's just so hard to express how I feel because she's gone. Forever. And I don't think I'm ever going to adapt to that.

"That was beautiful"

I turn round to see Cam, I completely forgot where I was for a second, she smiles weakly at me before taking the urn, unscrewing it and throwing the contents out into the ocean

"Goodbye Tracy Beaker..." I whisper, letting the tears fall, not noticing that the kids have come back

I look up to the sky, praying to just get one last glimpse of her, but nothing happens. Because I've let her go.

"Right...come on then kids, let's go home" I mutter, feeling numb and destroyed as I walk over to the minibus, taking one last look behind me at the memories that have sunk into the sea.

4 HOURS LATER

We arrived back hours ago, and I decided to get fish and chips for everyone as a treat, to try and cheer the kids up, not disregarding their feelings like many would

"Come on kids eat up" I say aloud to the silent table, nobody's touched their food, and neither have I

"It was Tracys favourite" Lily says to them all, they smile at her acknowledgment and start eating

"Urgh did someone put vinegar on these!" Sapphire says, biting a chip and smiling, it takes milliseconds for us all to get the reference and we all laugh, before the kids look solemn again

"It's okay to laugh you know? It's not disrespectful, you all know how much Tracy loved seeing you guys happy" I remind them

They nod reluctantly before making their excuses and leaving the table, I turn to Gina and she says that it's just been a tough day and they'll be okay tomorrow

"I'm glad they will be, but what about me? I've spent my entire life looking out for Trace and now she's gone, who's gonna look out for me?"

I didn't mean to say it out loud. Gina face crumbles at what I've just said and she reminds me that she's always here for her

"thanks Gina" I say before leaving the table myself and heading upstairs into the staff bedroom, Tracys stuff is still here...

I take her favourite sweatshirt from the edge of the bed, pulling it close to my chest, the smell reminds me of her, warm and inviting. The room has the slightest linger of perfume, and of course, the beds a mess. Because nobody has come in here since her...since she left.

I head over to the window to open it when I get the sudden urge to say goodbye. Alone. And so that's exactly what I do.

"Hey kidda, you're probably up there telling all the angels to bog off so I'll make this quick" I laugh with ease, her signature catchphrase will always remind me of her fiery temper

"I don't even know what to say. This is all so hard Trace. I've lost my best mate, my daughter, my work colleague, and I don't know how to cope. I can't move on. I can't let you go. I just want you to know that no matter how much you annoyed me, how much you drove me up the wall and how unbelievably irritating you could be with your unreal Tracy Plans, I love you. From the moment you came into my life I just had this feeling, as if I'd been reconnected with an old friend, and sure enough, just under 20 years later, that proved to be true. I worried when I saw you in that police station. I knew that whatever it was you did it wasn't your fault"

I can't help but laugh quietly at that last one. Mainly because it was!

"You had good intentions though. You just wanted to succeed. And I understood that, I know you Trace, and you know me, more than anyone else could. I cared about you so much and not a day went by where you didn't go through my head atleast once, I want you to know that, so if you're listening, or if I look incredibly stupid right now talking to the sky, I love you Tracy Beaker"

I look straight ahead into the night, wanting to cry, but I'm stopped by an unbelievable, beautifully familiar face appearing right in front of me, her smile lighting up the night sky one last time before she too looks up.

"I love you too, dad"

And with that said, she flies back up to the skies, waving me a final goodbye, with tears in my eyes I wave back, hoping I didn't just imagine that. It doesn't matter if I did. I still saw her, and the best part?

she called me dad.