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10-03-2019

i haven't wrote for a few days, well i'm not sorry for it so shut up.

i feel worse then ever, i don't know why. i know i usally write in the evening, so i can tell u guys 'bout my whole day... well i'm not gonna do that shit today. yesterday i cut myself again, i couldn't tell my friends, they said that if i did, they would too. i didn't want to put them in danger, so i just didn't say anything. i've cut very deep, but i'm not planning to go to my parents for it anyways.

i also made one cut in my neck again, maybe i'll aplly a pic of that tomorrow, maybe not. i just hope that one day i die when i cut my neck. i don't know why i want to end like that, i mean i usally rather jump in front of a train. idk i think i changed my mind 'cause... i don't know. it's not to make sure people won't get traumatized, hell no. i hate people, so why would i care? and then there is the fact that i'm dead when they get traumatized, so i wouldn't even be able to care. idk i think i just changed my mind 'cause it's easyer for me to just cut my neck.

i actually don't know why the hell i'm thinking that hard. i mean i'm allergic to peanuts, i could also just eat a peanut and then i die in like 5 minutes. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND MY OWN MIND!! no, even worse: i'm afraid of it. i'm afraid of my own mind, not only my mind, just my whole self. i'm afraid of myself. i don't know why. well actually i do, i just don't wanna explain. or i don't wanna tel, ya i don't wanna tell. idk this story is complicated.