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not rlly a date but kinda 7/23/2019

Hi guys, it's been a long time no hear from me so I thought that I should give y'all an update on how I'm doing and stuff.

Uhhm okay so I'll just tell about different topics or something.

Last few weeks

The last few weeks have been terrible. Sorry that it sounds so dramatic but I'm not gonna lie about it. Idk it has all been just very very sad. First school was stressing me out, then some people I'm not gonna mention did fucked up things. The thing those people did rlly fucked me up, I highly got the feeling that everyone thinks I'm overreacting unfortunately. I'm not overreacting, it just fucked me up and I'm not the one who should apologize for that. Let's just say that people have been playing with my emotions like it was some sort of fucking game.

How I'm feeling/ my travel to America
So I'm on my holidays to America now. And that has always been the biggest dream of my life. I really love it here and I now officially wanna live here. But unless all I still feel pretty sad. You can hate me on that, I do the same anyways. As I just said, going to America has always been the biggest dream of my life, but here is the thing. Lately I've more been passing the time, not living it. So now my biggest dream ever comes true and I just pass the time without living it. Witch is very very sad and it makes me cry a lot. I also feel really much of the urge to self harm. But considering I'm here with my parents and brother, there's no way of cutting myself. Because I can't cut myself, I've adopted other self-harming behaviors, things that no one really sees. The first thing is that I tie my chockers REALLY tightly. So that I basically have the feeling that I'm choking all the time. The other thing is that the skin at my fingers is basically just ripped in pieces. This is a thing that I used to do whenever things got too much for me, ever since I was a little kid (think about 5/6 years old me). Idk, does this mean that I have already been self-harming all my life? But anyways, it doesn't really help but it's the only thing I can do in here besides the chokers. But I don't wear chokers every day so ya. The only time when I really feel what I did to my hands is when I shower, it burns like hell but idc. I deserved it.

My arm
Ya this is a thing that nobody cares about. My arm. My arm is covered in scars from pretty small to pretty big. There are no fresh cuts on it now, so nobody cares about it. Idk I feel like I'm asking for attention and I kinda do but I don't want to. I just want someone to truly look me in the eyes and ask me if it hurts. Because yes, it hurts like the motherfucker. Just because there are no fresh cuts on it and everything is healing well, doesn't mean that the endless pain I leaving me too. When I shower, it still burns. When I walk in the sun, it feels like they're boiling. When I'm shake my arms or run, it feels like they're exploding. And then, the plane, my god the fucking plane. THAT HURTS. Idk, they got all red and swollen and I felt like they were all fresh cuts again, but all at the same time. I almost never cry because something physically hurts me, but I was sitting in the plane, crying my eyes out. Silently, but teary (I don't think anyone saw it tho)(love that ;)). Idk, people have the weird logic that if there are no fresh cuts or whatever, they can just slap me on it. But oh god, don't you even fucking dare you fucking motherfucking fuck. If you do, I probably laugh it away. But inside I feel like killing you in your sleep because it god fucking damnit hurts like hell.

My parasite 
Yeah let's just call it parasite, that's probably the most fitting name. well the parasite. She never left me. My parents think she's only there when I wanna cut myself, but she's always with me. Always when I seem to enjoy something, she tells me why I don't deserve to enjoy anything in life. And further on she's just always with me, telling me how I am a fucked up person and how I'm unlovable because of the scars on my arm. She's just basically always with me and always making me more sad than I already am. 

(the parasite is my urge to self harm btw)