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22-04-2019

okay so today i thought it would be a good time to upload again. i wanted to upload earlier, but i just didn't had the energy for it. my disorders are exhausting.

i'll name my disorders for you: (if you think that's overrated, then that's your problem)

- depression (idk what kind of depression, i guess it is major depression or high functioning depression. or both) (sorry i can't really remember stuff)

- sleeping disorder ( don't remember the name)

- PTSD (not officially diagnosed but i had a little trauma and i got anxiety attacks and nightmares because of that)

- self harm & suicidal (not rlly disorders but they definitely count on this list)

- panic attacks (also not really a disorder but also really count on this list)

ya that was it i guess, i probably forgot something but idc.
for your information, i don't do this for attention, i make this story to read it back later and maybe figure out why i am like i am. i like to take you guys with me and if you don't like it, that's not my problem so better don't make it my problem.

okay so now about today. my antisocial ass couldn't handle today. first i had to go out with my mother to a store with FUCKING many people in it. when i came home my family was at our place because apparently they where gonna eat here. FUCK.
i don't know if i already told this but i hate my family, you know you can dislike people, but what i feel for them is pure hate. i am the youngest family member from everything and that's why they kinda bully me. they think they are better than me because they are older. i know, stupid. but enough about that now, i'm about to cry

the weather has been rlly hot lately so for that i took a good look at my arm again and this is what it looks like. (picture above) (this is a little piece of my arm, there is much moe but i couldn't show it and i didn't want to because then people might gonna complain)
i wasn't even that shocked when i saw it, i was just kinda disgusted by myself. i don't know but on some sort of way there was something inside of me telling me that these are not enough scars. something was telling me that i have to make more. well then, i guess that's what i gotta have to do...

i'm just so goddamn done fighting against it, i'm so done fighting against something that wins anyways so i gave up, i gave up fighting and i'll just do whatever the hell that voices are telling me...

pls don't sue me now, i can't help it