Wasted Love

CHAPTER NINE

I lay on my back staring dreamily at the sky. These last couple of days have actually been really great, and really refreshing. It's hard not to feel guilty about my lack of progress, but Hoseok, as it turns out, is a really effective distraction.

"What are you doing?" Hoseok asks curiously.

Speak of the devil, they say.

He stands above me, suddenly blocking my view of the star-lit sky. There is a inquisitive tilt to his head and a wide grin upon his face.

"Just thinking, " I reply.

"Yeah?" He says. "What about?"

I smile softly as he hunkers down on the grass beside me. His head is so close to mine that I can smell his shampoo. It smells strongly of citrus, and maybe a hint if cloves. Such a sharp scent too, one that is impossible to ignore. And it's such an intimate thing, being so closely acquainted with his unique scent. To be aware of it.

I can't help the blush that threatens to overtake my cheeks. And for the first time since I can remember, I actually feel somewhat bashful all of a sudden.

"Work, " I answer.

It isn't a complete lie, I suppose. I was originally thinking of it. He doesn't need to know that my thoughts turned to him, even before his arrival.

"Dance, you mean."

It's a statement, not a question.

I can hear the change in his tone, he must be frowning. I roll my head to the side, just so that I can look at him. As it happens, I'm right, and his mouth, which is normally set into a smile of some sort or another, is tilted down into a rather thoughtful frown.

"You know, " he says, "maybe that's half your problem right there."

I immediately bristle, becoming unreasonably defensive. I expect the worst in situations like this, so I can only tense up, and wait for the ridicule that always inevitably follows.

Flash-backs of my father's spitting fury and crazed eyes play before my eyes, and I can suddenly recall each and every time that I have been ridiculed for choosing this path.

But Hoseok surprises me once more, because with a gentle smile he explains.

"If you view it as work, it only makes sense you wouldn't be able to make that last step stick."

My eyebrows raise quizzically as I eye him curiously.

"What I mean is, " he continues, "that you're giving yourself anxiety. Dance is something that you pursue because you enjoy it right? Maybe you've forgotten that."

I simply stare, open-mouthed and wide-eyed, in dumbfounded realization. I can't argue with him, it's a valid point after all.

Oh, I want to. I definitely want to. But what's the point of denying it?

"Maybe I wasn't meant to be a dancer after all, " I sigh.

My body becomes heavy as my mind adds fuel to the fires of my insecurities. But Hoseok sits up, and then pulls me into a sitting position as well. Though I try to look away, embarrassed at being seen in such a sorry state, he forces me to look at him with a gentle finger beneath my chin.

"Hey, " he says softly, eyes bright as he reassures me. "Stop that. Stop tearing yourself apart. Trust me, I know what you're feeling."

He releases me, finger ghosting softly against my skin as it parts. And yet, I am still unable to look away, polarized as I am by his eyes and the light within.

"You're a beautiful woman Avelyn, " he tells me. "And one of the most graceful dancers I've ever seen."

For a moment, I'm almost afraid that he is going to kiss me. So why is it that I also almost want him to at the same time? But I am left in both relief, and oddly enough, disappointment.

Hoseok jumps up, and grabs my hand in order to yank me to my feet. He laughs as our bodies collide, the momentum caused by my weight sending us staggering backwards ever so slightly.

He is quick to catch his balance, and before I can even realize his devious plan, we are swaying lightly to the sounds of the wind and the waves. His hands are upon my hips, and I am all the more red for the contact. But I robotically loop my arms around his neck nevertheless, entirely unsure as to why I am humoring this at all.

"Relax, " he croons into my ear.

I nearly melt on the spot.

And as my limbs become jello, he scoops me even further into his embrace, crooning sweetly once more into my ear.

"Perfect."

And that's all he says.

We continue to sway in the breeze. Our song is the sounds if the waves, crashing against the beach, and the various sounds of the night. I am more content in this moment than I have been in years, all of my worries drifting away as I enjoy the feeling of his body against mine.

For a long time now I've been afraid of human contact in any real form. Aside from Jimin, who often leaves me little choice in the matter, I rarely willingly touch anyone. The difference, however, between Jimin and Hoseok, are stark and clear as day.

Jimin is that annoying little brother that you can't help but to adore. But Hoseok, well, he's something else entirely.

It almost feels like cheating, allowing Hoseok to hold me so closely, when I've yet to even hug Jin, Namjoon, Yoongi, or Jeonguk.

"You're thinking too much, " he murmurs softly. "What are you thinking about?"

I bite my lip, hiding my blush by burying my face into his shoulder.

I'm not entirely sure how I should respond. My initial instinct to deflect has left me somehow, and I find myself decidedly vulnerable. So, with lungs that feel as if they might burst with the pressure of telling the truth, I speak.

"You."

I can feel the muscles in his face moving, and know that he must be smiling.