Wasted Love

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

I stand, fleeing from that look before I change my mind. Even if I try to explain to him that it is as much for his benefit as it is mine, he wouldn't understand. He wouldn't accept it. I don't want to think about the ways I might hurt him if we remain together, but I know that I eventually would.

I'd never be able to feel as if he is completely mine, and I know only too well the kind of bitterness and resentment that feeling creates.

My eyes begin to leak, blurring my vision, and so, I stumble. Grabbing at my chest, I attempt to breathe, to calm myself as I lean against the wall of the building beside me. But it proves impossible to calm myself, the tears only begin to flow more freely as I hear Hoseok's voice shouting my name from behind.

"Avelyn!" He yells, "Avelyn!"

I push off against the wall, teetering for a moment before I find my balance. But I am too late, there is no escape as Hoseok has already found me, and I am alarmed to find myself suddenly caged against the wall by his arms.

He kisses me, roughly, and though I initially struggle against him I am ultimately helpless but to reciprocate. His tongue tastes like fire and sweetness, salt and addiction, and it is a feeling that I cannot resist.

And when he pulls back, I am left confused, dazed by the sudden absence of his lips against mine.

"Take it back, " he demands desperately, frantically. "Tell me that you are still mine."

I turn my head to the side, suddenly finding my senses and refusing to answer him because I simply can't. I can't tell him what he wants to hear, but I also don't have the strength to reiterate what I have already said.

"Why not?" He asks, eyes molten and mercurial.

He leans against me, arms held out and resting firmly against the wall behind me still to stop me from leaving. With only one look, I am drowning in his eyes, and all of the emotion portrayed within. In all this time, I've never seen Hoseok like this.

Lips parted and kiss-swollen, even as the mercury from within his irises bleeds upon his cheek. Each drop that slides down his cheek leaves a crystalline river in it's wake.

This face, it's so hard to take.

I've grown so accustomed to his easy going smile, and chipper personality. But now, there is a definite fire behind his eyes. I am powerless, left with only a shred of sanity, courtesy of the guilt that rises within my gut like the bile that it is.

"Why not give this a chance?" He rasps.

His voice holds all the sadness and anger that he is feeling, and the pressure of it leaves him nearly mute. But then, as he continues to speak, his voice becomes louder, harsher, and the strain of it breaks the entire dam.

"We'd be good for each other, " he chokes. "You know that I'd be good to you. I could make you happy."

I stiffen, suddenly wishing that I were anywhere but here. There are so many things that I'm not ready to say, too many things to regret if things go sour.

"I've already wasted all of my love on someone else, " I whisper, half defiant and half-ironic sorrow.

"There's no such thing as wasted love, " he growls.

He crushes his lips upon mine once more, grabbing my arms when I attempt to push him away. His hands push my wrists into the wall forcefully as he groans into the kiss and I whine noisily.

He takes full advantage of the opportunity to advance, prying my lips open further with a sigh siphoned with skilled fingers against heated flesh.

My chest, rising and falling frantically with a lack of air, feels heavy and tight. The adrenaline that crashes through me, filling my every sense like a flood, makes me feel dizzy. And this time, when we separate, I am quicker to recover my senses.

"Let me go, " I demand softly.

I don't wish to hurt Hoseok anymore than I already have.

"I can't lose you, " he pleads, "I love you."

I gasp, and tears begin to swim before my vision more adamantly now.

"I love you too, " I confess, surprising myself as much as Hoseok, "but that changes nothing."

He drops his hands, and staggers back as if I've physically wounded him. Hand on his heart, he looks at me with such agony that my breath refuses to come.

"What can I do? What can I do to make you stay?" He begs, voice raspy and strained beneath the weight of his tears. "Tell me what I should do Avelyn! How can I change your mind?"

"Prove, without a shadow of a sound that you are mine, that you will not betray me, and I could not resist you." I confess despite myself.

I don't wish to give Hoseok hope, nor do I want to needlessly hurt him. Truthfully, I don't want to let him go at all. But that ex of his is far more toxic than I initially believed, and our relationship is already doomed to fail as long as she hangs about. Not to mention, everytime I am forced to see her from now on I am going to have to fight the urge to punch her right in her perfect fucking teeth.

She convinced Hoseok that the loss of their baby was his fault, and she stubbornly refuses to let him go.

"As long as your guilt remains, so will she, " I mutter quietly, painfully. "And it's just more than I can take."

He reaches for me, but I am the quicker one this time. Tears continue to burn my eyes and blur my vision, even though I am the one making this decision I do not delight in it. Walking away has never been so hard, nor did I ever feel such pain as the one currently blooming within.

"Avelyn!"