Mesmerized

ocho (según lo dicho de Mahdi)

I leaned my head against the cool tile of the shower while its water cascaded onto my back in freezing cold droplets. The end of a shift was always a dreaded time for me, even more so when we'd had casualties on the job. I tried my best to keep my emotions out of what I did for a living, but sometimes there were calls that stayed with me.

Graphic imagery played in my mind as I went through the motions of showering, trying to get the smell of death and destruction off of me; hard to do when it was all in my head. My fist collided with the shower wall in frustration, it was time for me to get out and go home.

I had mixed emotions about the forty-eight hours that I spent at home after each shift; logically, I was aware that my body needed the rest and I knew that I needed to be at home; but emotionally, I was either on a high from a job well done or on a mission to do better if we weren't able to save a life.

"Get the fuck out Mahdi! Second shift is here, and I rode with you." Gabriel; my friend and co-worker yelled from just outside of the shower stall.

His voice was the extra push that I needed to get out, so I did. Gabe was nowhere to be seen when I stepped out; I shrugged, certain that he'd find me again if he needed to, then went to my locker where my clothes were. Getting dressed took no time at all, I took the rest of my belongings out of the locker and walked towards the exit. Gabriel was waiting by my car, phone to his ear; from the sound of the conversation, he seemed to be talking to his girlfriend. He cleared his throat when he noticed me, voice taking on a gruff tone, then ended the conversation.

"There's no shame in loving her G." I unlocked the car and hopped in, throwing my duffle bag into the back seat.

Gabriel smacked his lips together, "I don't know what you're talking about but you gotta relax." He mumbled while fastening his seatbelt. "You know it's not that simple."

I gave him a disapproving look but decided to let it go. There was no part of me that bought his act, but I'd let him fool himself if that was what he needed to do. I'd seen first hand how his relationship had affected him, but I had given up on trying to give him my unsolicited opinion on it.

We continued the drive to his place in silence, until I decided to say something. "Remember the nurse I was telling you about?"

"The one who you went full blown creep on then dipped? Yeah bro, I remember." Gabe chuckled. "What's up with that?"

I groaned, reliving the embarrassment that I'd felt after I said those things to Arinze. My brain to mouth filter failed miserably on the day that I actually got the chance to have a real conversation with her and I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to live it down. "I'm thinking of going back there tomorrow after I spend some time at home." My exhaustion would've further hindered my efforts with the alluring yet closed off nurse.

"Do that, it's been two weeks since you met her, and you still don't have anything to show for it. At least ask for her number bro, this is getting sad."  Gabe sighed dramatically as I pulled up to his house.

"Fuck off G." I chuckled, he flipped me off then got out of the car. "You're driving on Saturday." I reminded him.

Gabe groaned, "I'm putting in a request for a shift change man, I'm tryna get weekends off. Tell Cairo that I said hi." My chest tightened at the mention of her.

"I will and good luck with that one brother, I'll see you on Saturday." I chuckled, watching him walk off. Many before him had attempted to have their shifts reassigned; unfortunately, the chance of it being successful was slim. I was one of the few who didn't mind being on duty during the weekend; I made the most of my time at home but knew what the job was before I signed up for it.

I drove in the direction of my parents' house, my original plan was to head over after I got a couple hours of rest, but I needed a dose of happiness before I closed my eyes. The fear of what I would see when I closed my eyes haunted me often; I liked to fill my mind with as much positivity as possible before I slept, in an attempt to combat the ghosts that followed me home from work. I drove on autopilot, the directions to my childhood home needed little thought to recall.

It was seven in the morning when I arrived at my parents' house, I looked at the obvious dark circles under my eyes in the mirror with a sigh before getting out of the car. I called my father as I walked up to the front door and let him know that I was outside, he unlocked the door a few minutes later.

"You look like shit Mahdi; did you sleep yet?" My father held the door open for me, patting my back as I walked inside.

I shook my head, "Not yet, is Cairo up?" I asked him, he nodded and pointed in the direction of the kitchen. We rounded the corner and her signature curls came into view as she helped my mother with breakfast.

"She's more than up, I swear both of them have too much energy." Dad chuckled as we watched them converse animatedly.

We approached them stealthily, until I was right behind Cairo. "What are you cooking?" I asked, her head perked up immediately, eyes alight with happiness.

"Daddy!" Cairo launched herself into my arms, almost knocking the wind out of my tired body. "I missed you." Her little arms squeezed me tightly.

My chest tightened, body sore and strained but I wouldn't put the three-year-old down, no matter what. "I missed you too Ro, did you have fun with nana and papa?" She nodded excitedly.

"We did counting and spelling! Aw, I was gonna draw you a pretty picture today." She pouted.

I chuckled, "I mean I can always go back to work." I made a move to put her down, but she held on tighter.

"No! Can we do it on next time nana?" She seemed to finally remember that he grandparents were still there.

My mother nodded, Cairo was her entire life and she'd always bend to the little girl's will. "Of course, sweetie! We're going to draw all the farm animals that we saw on TV." My mom kissed me on the cheek, "You look tired Mahdi."

"I'm always tired ma." I shrugged, Cairo seemed to grow tired of being in my arms and wiggled her way out so that she could resume her job as assistant chef.

Dad ushered me to the kitchen table, "Sit down, I'll get you something to drink; no caffeine. What kind of shift was it?"

"Casualties." Was all that I said, my parents looked at me sympathetically but knew better than to press the topic; work stayed outside, especially around Cairo.

I watched her as she stood on her step ladder, trying her best to help out wherever she could; she was my greatest accomplishment in life, seeing her happy made everything worth it.