Mesmerized

veintiseis.

A week had passed, and I found myself sitting across from Dr. Jade with more questions than I'd expected. Meeting Mahdi's daughter had triggered something within me, some feeling that I wasn't sure what to do with. Dr. Jade sat patiently as I tried to think about what to say, and though I'd spent at least seven minutes of my session with furrowed brows and sealed lips, the simplest words escaped me.

"I liked it." I said slowly, Dr. Jade waited on me to elaborate. "The entire experience of the three of us hanging out; I liked it, a lot."

The therapist nodded, setting her notebook aside and leaning forward in her seat. "You sound troubled by this admission. Let's see if we can figure out why that is."

"I didn't account for how easy it would be, you know? I guess I'm sort of afraid now." I told her. "I don't want her to get attached to me prematurely."

Dr. Jade smiled, picking up her notebook once more. "That's perfectly reasonable Arinze, and you being aware of this is a good sign. The Arinze from our first session wouldn't have been bothered with how other people's lives were affected by her presence; you've grown a lot."

"But that's the thing, I think I'm aware of the growth, but it doesn't make anything less terrifying. What if this little girl gets attached to me, then Mahdi and I break up?" I sighed hopelessly.

Dr. Jade hummed in understanding, "And what if you keep her at arm's length while your relationship with Mahdi becomes even more serious? Arinze, this is what playing an active role in your life entails. There are risks to forming bonds, but there are also rewards."

"I know that you're right, how do I stop this feeling of dread though?" I asked her, genuinely worried that I wouldn't ever be completely happy.

She sighed, "That sense of dread that you're describing sounds more like the last remnants of that wall holding you back from living. I can't tell you how to get rid of something that only exists because your subconscious wills it to. All I can do is encourage you to pay attention to all the positive rewards that you've gained by risking your trust and emotional vulnerability on a new person."

I sank further into the couch as I listened to her; my mind had been all over the place at the beginning of our session, but I understood what she was saying.

"I think I get it; I have to live in the present, right? No creating scenarios and worrying about something that hasn't happened yet." I sighed, knowing that it was much more difficult for me than it should've been.

Dr. Jade nodded, "Exactly, and though it will take time to change the defense mechanisms that you've developed through your adolescence, I can say that you've shown significant progress since our first session together. I want you to keep that in mind when something seems to foreign or too difficult. Unfortunately, our time is up; but you're on the right path."

"Thank you for your help, Dr. Jade." I smiled kindly at her. "Same time next week, right?"

The therapist nodded and bid me farewell in the same way that she did every week. I waved to the receptionist and left the building, Caiga was pulling up at the same time that I got to the parking lot. I hopped into his truck and gave him a quick hug, something that my brothers were still trying to get used to.

"You wearing makeup?" He asked me.

I laughed while shaking my head no, "I'm not, why?"

"You look different; it might just be the happiness." Caiga said, only half teasingly.

My laughter intensified and I supposed that he wasn't wrong. "I'm definitely happy Cai, it's kind of weird."

"I like it; I don't know if it's the therapy or the boyfriend but keep it up Renny." My oldest brother looked at me, really looked at me while we were stopped at a red light. "Renny's happy." He said more to himself than me.