Mesmerized

treinta y cuatro.

"Let's discuss the list that I asked you to make." Dr. Jade got right to the point of our session as soon as we sat down. "You don't have to tell me what you put on the list, that information is just for you; what I want you to tell me is what you gained from the exercise."

My mind was frazzled after our two-week break from therapy and I found myself readjusting in my seat multiple times as I tried to think about the list. "I understood what you meant while I was writing everything out; I'm in such a hurry to be on Mahdi's level that I'm not paying attention to how far I've really come."

Dr. Jade nodded, a small smile playing at her lips as she listened to me.

"Exactly, though you wanting to be as empathetic and emotionally conscious as the man that you've described to me is a very promising goal. The main thing that we need to keep in mind throughout this process is that along with your end goal, there are several smaller achievements that you should aim for along the way." Dr. Jade said the words that I'd needed to hear; not from Lani, my brothers or even Mahdi, but from a professional who didn't have personal ties to me.

I physically relaxed as our session progressed, after wrapping up the loose ends from the previous session, she asked me about any new developments since we'd last seen each other.  "I've been hanging out with Mahdi and his daughter more often and I was promoted at work; those are the things that I've been trying to focus on." I answered her, a happy smile threatening to give it all away.

"Let's tackle those two things separately; are you finding the integration of you and your partner's lives to be manageable?" She asked me plainly.

I nodded, then thought better of it and shrugged. "It's uncharted territory for me; we haven't even done the parental introductions yet... but we're taking it day by day. Cairo on the other hand is just the sweetest child on this planet! But that worry that I had about letting her in is still there at the back of my mind, even though I'm trying not to think the worst."

"This is still to be expected, the fact that you've let her in regardless of your worries is very positive. As for meeting each other's parents, only you and your partner can know when the appropriate time will be. However, when you get that instinct to pull away or postpone a meeting, work through the feelings until you reach the root of the reason for your avoidance." Dr. Jade suggested while jotting a few notes down. "Have you given any thought to a session with your parents?"

I had, and it petrified me. "I'll do it, if not for any other reason than to get better."

"That's good to hear Arinze, we'll set firmer dates at the end of our session. Now, onto to your job promotion, how are you feeling about that?"

It was the million-dollar question. I had about a week and a half until I officially started and I wasn't sure how to feel about it. "They're going to give me a lot more responsibility, but it's too soon to say how I feel. I won't know until I officially start, and I don't want to jump the gun on my feelings until I give the job a real try."

Mahdi had done an excellent job at reassuring me, to the point that all I could do was wait. There was no point in making assumptions about a job that I hadn't yet started.

"Very mature of you, Arinze. Can I ask how you've been getting on with finding a healthy work/life balance?" Dr. Jade asked tentatively as she poised her pen to write.

I shrugged noncommittally, "I'm not where I need to be yet, remember that I lead a couple different lives Doc." I tried to soften my words with a joke.

"True enough, which I'm assuming is why you want to integrate your worlds? Do you think that it would make the balance a little less fragile?" Dr. Jade gave me a knowing smile.