Mesmerized

veinticuatro.

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I sat across from Dr. Jade the next Friday with a grin that refused to stay hidden. I had come to look forward to my sessions with her, even the more difficult ones. Mahdi has rocked my world during our staycation, then again the day before my session with Dr. Jade while he was on his lunch break; which made it difficult to do anything but smile.

"You look radiant today Arinze, what's brought on this positive mood?" Dr. Jade asked me, after we had built up rapport with each other; well after I had let us build one, it was much easier to express myself to her.

I shrugged nonchalantly, of all the topics that we'd covered, Mahdi was something that I was still reluctant to talk about. It was a miracle in itself that he put up with me when I didn't deserve it, talking about him felt like jinxing myself in a way. Regardless of that, I knew that Dr. Jade may have been able to help me through something that he'd asked me.

"I have a boyfriend; we've been dating for a while." I giggled helplessly as Dr. Jade attempted to reel in her shock. 

The therapist nodded, "How have you found navigating that kind of relationship? Any challenges?"

"In the beginning, I sort of did anything I could to push him away, but he wouldn't budge." I smiled as I remembered how we'd met. "When I talk about my feelings with him now... it's not as much like pulling teeth as it used to be."

She asked me to elaborate a little more on the topic and I did, though I still felt guilty about the beginning. I wasn't sure how much time passed as she allowed me to gush about him, but I eventually arrived at the issue that was on my mind.

"Anyway, he has a daughter and he's throwing her a birthday party on Sunday. Is it weird that I wanted to be invited?" I asked her, "We agreed to take it slow when it came to her but I don't know, I want all of him and she's part of that."

Dr. Jade smiled at my excitement, "Well, I can't tell you how to feel. What I do want you to do is remember to take your time. I usually tell people who are in therapy for the issues that you've had, that it's best to stay away from serious dating at the beginning." She said honestly, "Not because you're not deserving, but because just a few months ago you felt undeserving of love. With regards to meeting his daughter, I'd suggest a more neutral meeting."

"What do you mean by neutral?" I asked her, feeling a bit deflated by what she'd said.

She set her notebook aside and scooted forward on her chair, "A child's birthday party is likely to have all of their family members in attendance, which may be a bit of a social and emotional overload for you. I think you could broach the idea of an outing with just the three of you and then go from there."

"You're right, I was getting ahead of myself. Wasn't I?" I sighed while picking at my cuticles.

Dr. Jade shook her head, "I don't want you to think like that Arinze, you've made a lot of progress here and I'm excited to see how much more you'll make. Remember to think of your emotions as a muscle; you've started exercising it regularly, which is good, but you don't want to overwork it. That could lead to regression and we don't want that." She smiled politely as though she hadn't just crushed my dreams. "Our time is up, but I think you're doing well, don't forget to journal, and maybe you could spend some time thinking of fun activities that you'd like to do with your boyfriend and his child; it may help you to tap into your own childhood."

I nodded and said goodbye to her before heading out. No matter how much progress I'd made in therapy, sessions like that one reminded me that I didn't need to rush. I'd practically been bouncing off the walls with glee after the weekend I'd spent with Mahdi. We left the hotel feeling closer to each other in many ways, but Dr. Jade was right; I didn't need to push myself too far too fast and risk losing everything.