Mesmerized

veintiocho.

I didn't sleep; I couldn't after Mahdi had so carelessly uttered those words. Instead, I laid next to him and listened to every even breath that he took while I tried not to leave. I checked the time after a while, it was three in the morning which meant that I could start getting ready for work. As quiet as possible, I did my morning routine then left the apartment. I still had at least an hour and a half until I had to be at the hospital, but I couldn't stay there any longer. I didn't know what to do, so I called Shiloh.

"Renny?" His voice was raspy, I'd clearly woken him up.

I crossed the dark street, putting more space between me and Mahdi. "Hey, can I come over? I'm freaking out."

"Um." Shiloh paused. "Yeah, sure."

I sighed in relief, "Thank you! I'll be there in ten."

"You still remember the code for the front door?" He still sounded like he was half asleep.

I nodded as I walked. "I remember, see you soon Shi."

The way to Shiloh's place was so ingrained in my mind that I paid very little attention to where I was going, I just knew. Within fifteen minutes, I was sitting on his couch while he sat on the floor in front of me.

"Tell me what's wrong Renny." Shiloh said gently.

My eyebrows furrowed. "My boyfriend- he said that he loves me." I shook my head, "Why'd he have to say it?" Shiloh's eyes widened for a millisecond, then he nodded as though fully understanding my mental state.

"And what did you say?" His tone remained soft and understanding, which helped me to cling to my last shred of composure.

I shrugged, "Nothing, I basically acted like I was already asleep. I don't even know if he knows that he said it."

"Arinze." Shiloh shook his head, "Tell me exactly what happened."

And so I did, I explained the scenario to him and waited while he processed, then surprised me by releasing a soft chuckle.

"Ay nena, no creo que el quisiera decirte eso." Shiloh reassured me. "No creo que tengas que preocuparte por eso." (Oh baby, I don't think he meant to tell you that......I don't think you have to worry about it.)

I shook my head, "Pero, ¿y si Mahdi quisiera decirlo?" (But what if Mahdi meant to say it?) I countered.

"Relájate, ¿sería tan malo?" (Relax, would that be so bad?) He asked me while covering my clenched fists with his much bigger hands.

I nodded, then shook my head. "I'm not ready to say it back, I'm not even ready to hear it. Shi, I think he broke it."

"Don't do that Ari, don't go back to how you were before." Shiloh gently coaxed my fists open. "It's gonna be okay."

My eyes burned with tears, "I can't say it back."

"You can, maybe not right away, but with time." Shiloh responded. "I'm sure that this guy knows you, so don't hold an after-orgasm utterance against him. I'll make you some breakfast while you calm down." He kissed the side of my head, then stood up.

I blinked away the tears and laid on Shiloh's couch, trying to feel reassured by what he'd told me. Somewhere between him walking away and me panicking, I'd fallen asleep and was roused awake by the smell of whatever he had cooked. I stretched and checked the time on my phone; four thirty. Hopefully that forty-minute nap would carry me through my twelve-hour shift.

"Didn't want to wake you." Shiloh's voice startled me; he was perched on a barstool as he drank a smoothie. "So, Mahdi huh?"

My face felt hot, "I wasn't lying that day Shi, he really was just a guy who got under my skin."