Mesmerized

treinta. (según lo dicho de Mahdi)

Fuck. I rested my head against the steering wheel as soon as Arinze disappeared inside. For the first time in a while, I felt exhausted from a conversation with her. It didn't help that I'd been stressing myself out about the distance that she'd put between us. Even after she'd explained everything to me, it still took me half a second longer to respond to her than usual. She was being childish like in the beginning, but I understood that emotionally at least- she was a child. That knowledge didn't make it any easier to handle, and as I drove back to my house, I felt even more stressed out than I had before.

I loved her, I did- but I felt embarrassed that I had no recollection of saying it to her. I felt even worse that her instinct was to ice me out; though it didn't change the facts. I loved Arinze Santos, no matter how reckless that made me. After all, I knew who she was when I pursued her and I knew who she was when I introduced her to my child; she was growing, but I wondered if I was helping or hindering the process. As much as I would've liked to ponder the topic for a while longer, I didn't have that luxury; I had a daughter to take care of. I'd already cursed myself for leaving her when we barely got to spend time together, but I knew that I couldn't be completely present with her if I didn't know what was happening with my relationship. Even that felt wrong.

"Crisis averted?" Gabe shouted to me as soon as I walked through the door.

I sighed, "I'm not entirely sure. Where's Ro?" I asked him, needing to see her little face. The guilt was setting in, though I couldn't have been gone for more than an hour, it still counted.

"She's having her dinner on the couch; it's seven and she's showing no signs of slowing down." Gabe clapped a hand onto my shoulder. "Go check on her, you want me to stick around to talk about your nurse?"

I nodded gratefully. "Please, just let me go talk to Ro first."

My daughter was seated on the couch in the living room, with a bowl that was too big for her while she watched cartoons. I carefully took the bowl away from her, which caused her to look in my direction. She quickly stood on the couch and launched herself at me.

I held her with one arm as I rounded the couch and set her bowl down on the coffee table so that I could hug her properly. "Hey Princess, I had to pick Arinze up from work, but I'm back now." I kissed the top of her head.

"Is she here? Are we playing today?" Cairo scanned the room behind me.

I chuckled softly, "Sorry kid, not this time. Were you good for Uncle Gabby?"

"Yeah! He said that we can draw when I'm done eating!" Cairo squealed, "I'm gonna draw a ottopus!"

Tension melted away from me as I listened to her. "Okay, eat your food so that we can draw that octopus. But you still have to be asleep by eight." I set her down and handed the bowl back to her. "I'll be back in a minute, me and Uncle Gabby have to talk about something."

"Okay!" She responded as she continued to watch her cartoon. "I'll eat fast!"

I shook my head, "Don't do that either! Slow chews, we don't want you to choke."

Gabe and I stepped out onto the patio, it was the best place for us to talk and still keep an eye on Cairo inside. "So, what's goin' on Di?" Gabe initiated the conversation.

"I told her that I loved her; it's a bad situation because I don't even know when I said it." I sighed, feeling my face heat up at the mere thought of it. "It freaked her out, and I understand why but she just disappeared on me."

Gabe hummed in understanding. "Damn bro, the love bomb already? Did you mean it?"

"Yes, I definitely didn't want it to come out like that though. She's- it wasn't the right time." I didn't want to talk too much about Arinze's psychological trauma; it wasn't my business to tell. "And we talked it out but, I just feel drained. She's a distraction in a lot of ways bro, I feel like crap for leaving Ro like that."