Dirty Little Secrets (Book1) The Dirty Little Secrets Series

Chapter Two-Lena

A/N: Hello, Lovelies,  I hope everyone is doing well today.  There are some warnings in this chapter.  It will contain grief and funeral settings with someone who has committed suicide.  If you will feel any distress over these situations, please do not read this chapter.  I do thank you for your interest in my story.  Everyone, please comment and vote.  It does help me.  I want to know what you like about my story, if it has helped you in some way and your feelings attached to each chapter.  A writer's greatest joy is putting words on paper but their second greatest joy is when someone reads their stories and enjoys them.  Thank you again for giving this story a chance.  It means so much to me.  XXX Amanda

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  I stood in front of the full-length mirror in my room. The sun shined through it reflecting across the mirror in a way that was meant to put me in the best possible light. The problem was I never saw myself that way. Everything about me was pale. Pale skin with only a light sprinkling of freckles to break through the white, pale eyes and pale blonde hair with red streaks within it to give it any color. My body was too straight...small breasts, hips and ass. I always felt invisible except when Barrett was around, and he was gone.

I smoothed the black dress down my body and touched my hair piled on top of my head and done in the way my mother had always said was pretty. Light make-up had been applied though I was second-guessing that choice. Tears and make-up didn't go together. It would be gone by the end of the day.

I frowned as the hair on the nape of my neck stood and turned to glance behind me, but no one was there. I shook my head and moved toward the door, sighing. It was probably just Jay approaching that made me feel as if I was being watched.

"It's time to leave," he whispered in that voice I hated...The one people used so someone on the verge wouldn't break.

I nodded, straightening my spine before picking up my purse and heading out of my bedroom, glancing around the small space remembering Barrett there watching movies on my television or just sitting on the bed talking. His smile had always lit up the small space making it seem bigger. I swallowed over the lump in my throat knowing no one would make the light shine as bright as he had. I turned afraid I would cry and followed Jay out the door.

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The Lamasy Funeral home was massive and white. I always marveled at how places like this tried to make death seem light when to those suffering through the grief of it, it was a black, swirling hole they couldn't seem to pull themselves from.

As Jay opened the door for me, I straightened determined to get through this without breaking into a million pieces. He placed his hand on the small of my back, giving me support as we walked through the door. As soon as we stepped into the entry, it felt as if a vacuum had sucked out most of the sound. Everyone spoke in muted words that made little sense unless you were the one they were speaking to.

"Are you okay?" Jay asked in that same awful vacuumed voice.

I nodded my head and I was okay...Until I saw the little plaque by the door announcing the services and the names of the deceased. My eyes landed on Barrett's name, trying to reject seeing it there. A shiver slid down my spine traveling through my whole body. No one spoke to me. No one noticed. It was just me and my grief.

"It's time," the funeral director announced opening the door. People signed their names to the book as they walked in. I took the pen, gripping it so hard it bent as I signed my name announcing that I was there during his death as I was during his life.

The scent of flowers assaulted me...Too sweet and too potent...Sinking into my skin in a way I would never be able to wash free. My stomach churned as I made my way to the casket and stared at the body of my friend, his face too pale...His body too shiny like plastic. His beautiful blue eyes were closed. I would only get to see them in pictures now. His blond hair was paler...Almost white. I shook my head, the sound of my heartbeat rushing to my ears as my stomach churned. The tears I had held in all morning came rushing out, sliding down my face.

"Barrett," I cried and though I whispered it, it sounded like a scream in the muffled room.

Jay rushed to me, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me to a seat where I sobbed against his chest until the funeral was over only sensing my grief until we stood at his gravesite. The scent of the flowers and earth now something I would equate with death for the rest of my life as they lowered Barrett into the ground, taking away his light as people threw flowers on his casket. As I gazed down in the hole where his body would lay, I realized not one flower was blue, his favorite color. I moved to the flowers my brother and I had ordered for him and plucked a rose dyed a royal blue. I kissed it as I had kissed Barrett's cheeks a thousand times and released it to fall gently on his casket.

Jay moved beside me, "Let's go home now," he whispered but as we walked away, I felt a piece of my soul being ripped from me to be buried with my best friend. I glanced over my shoulder catching the eyes of Barrett's girlfriend, Becca who stared at me with grief crossing her face and I knew in some way she was feeling the same way...She was feeling as if the world would never be as bright as it was when he had lived. As I turned away from her, the pain was so great I realized it had changed me and I would never be the same person again.

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The car ride home was slow and silent. Only the music from the radio drifted to me. I didn't sleep but things passed like I was in a dream. Thoughts of Barrett tumbled through my mind as I struggled to recall all the details of his face, desperate to hold onto him in every way possible. Grasping at how the scent of his cologne smelled as I hugged him...The starched feel of his shirts...His eyes as the light hit them. He had only been gone days and I was desperate to hold on to every part of him.

We arrived home and I blinked realizing I had to move from the car. For some reason, it seemed like such a chore. I sighed opening the door the heat assaulting me as I exited the air-conditioned car. As I stood, I glanced at the house where Asher Courtland lived finding him standing outside, staring at me as if trying to dissect every emotion running through me. Unlike everyone else, he truly seemed genuine in his condolences. He hadn't even faked knowing Barrett...Didn't come to his funeral...He didn't pretend.

He gave me a sad smile and I forced myself to return it before breaking eye contact and moving into the house trying not to remember Barrett in every part of it. I wouldn't be able to escape the pain here but still, I moved toward my room where I didn't have to face Jay trying to make something better that would never be.

I moved toward my bed pulling the painful heels from my feet and laid down on my dark purple comforter as Barrett's face drifted through my mind. My chest was heavy as a single tear fell down my cheek. I closed my eyes willing sleep to come...willing darkness to take me away for a while.

As I drifted into nothingness my soul cried out, Why, Barrett...Why did you do this? Why did you leave us all behind?