The Boy I Admire From Afar

Chapter 16

It will be a lie if I say I am not affected being without my friends, I miss them so much I can't look at them for a whole minute and not feel tears in my eyes but I know there is nothing I can do. Eniola stares at me with some much anger in her eyes I feel one day I will burst into flames, What I said clearly took a toll on Jide because he had bag under his eyes to show his clearly lack of sleep, he wouldn't even look at me again even when we meet in the hallways he will always keep his head down and not even spare me a glance he clearly knows I don't worth it and James he just look at me with not emotion at all , he stare is always blank. I know i got what I wished for and I should be happy but it only kills me more , I feel like a really bad bitch and I feel really guilty that I don't go to cafe anymore I pack me lunch from home I eat in the class quietly. The only thing that kept my sanity in check was my book, studying takes my mind away from all worries but they are some days that there is only little my books can do so I resort to cutting my self , I keep promising to stop but I just can't help it. They are days I felt like drowning my self in the bathtub or just taking more pills than required, I wish I could just mistakenly cut my veins or get hit by a car or something but anytime I try to I see my parent's face , I see me brother's face but that doesn't stop the thought from cutting and I became miserable, i am a shadow of myself. It's like there is no place of happiness for me on this earth, it's like the world will become a better place with me gone but am too much of a coward to actually do it

"Ife , Ife , Ife" I heard someone say I looked up I saw it was the dance teacher 
" what are you thinking about , have been calling you for 3 min now" I faked a smile and shake my head
"I was not thinking about anything"

" okay if you say so, Jide is here you guys need to practice the solo for the end of the year party.  Okay so It didn't occur to me I will be chosen to take the solo with Jide how am I supposed to avoid him now, the solo involved a couple ballet and salsa at the end and that needs a lot of chemistry the last thing I need with Jide.
"Come on what are you waiting for time Is not on our side" oh shoot here goes nothing
___________
"STOP THIS CRAP YOU GUYS ARE DOING THAT YOU CALLED DANCING" Miss Kazim stopped the song for the fifth time today
"What is the problem with you guys, I know this choreography should not give you any problem but why are you guys dancing like you are working on egg shells. The reason I made you guys the solo dancers is not because you are the best dancer I have but because of the chemistry you guys have so why can't you even maintain eye contact for a min. If you guys can't get this right am afraid I will have to change you"
Being removed was not a big deal for me that means minus one thing to worry about but not for Jide

"Please Miss Kazim, you know I have been waiting all my life to be a solo dancer" Jide begged

"Am sorry Jide but there is nothing I can do if you guys can't work it out, I will give you one last chance by next practice I want to see improvement or I'm
changing the soloists to another people

"But can't I just leave and let Jide be the soloist with kemi" after saying it,I saw Jide's eyes changed from a being angry to being hurt

"No you can't, it either you and Jide or someone else" miss Kazim finalized
She just complicated my life more, staying away from him was hard enough , now it either I ruin his dreams of the being the dance soloist by ignoring him or I just let it pass but I doubt he did want anything to do with me after everything I said the other day. I was thinking too much already, I could feel my anxiety sneaking in and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Every one has already left the gym except the dance teacher and Jide talking.
I could feel the walls closing in , I was dizzy for a while so I slid on the walls and sat down, I lowered my heads onto my laps, convulsing as my heart beat increased rapidly. I was rocking back and forth trying to calm down but I couldn't, the pain and fear became stronger .
I pressed my hand against my heart, which was now pounding too fast. My breathing became shallow and I couldn't draw enough air into my lungs no matter how fast I inhaled

How could you be so naive, Ife? You think you could get rid of the past by ignoring and running away from it and look at your self , you managed to draw another person into your miserable world , you are such a disappointment I wonder why you were even born

A loud whimper broke out of my mouth, I closed my eyes tightly, my limbs heavy and cold  as I rocked my self back and forth

"Breath Ife, breath"I tried to encourage my self 
It was difficult coping with this rising anxiety and fear now am really going to lose my mind , I couldn't breath
I couldn't breath
I was inhaling rapidly but it did nothing to provide me the much needed air , I was still sitting on the floor this time pressing my head firmly against the wall.

My heart is going to burst

Why is everything happening to my at once I couldn't breath,I started hitting my palm on the floor hoping to concentrate on something else as I hit it again and again

"Hey" someone appeared in my field of vision, the person touched my shoulder and I flinched like I was being burnt, twisting my body in fright.
I ended up lying on the floor as I saw Jide looking at me, for the first time in 3 week Jide was looking at me with concern
"Don't hurt your self" he held my hand and stopped Me from hitting the floor.
"Look at me, breath slowly"
"I...i can't"
"Yes you can"
"my heart will burst"
"No it won't just follow my breathing slowly"
"Come on, breath in slowly" after 2 seconds I breath in slowly and out afterwards
He continued the routine until my breathing slow down and I was able to breath by my self.
I sat up with my back against the wall and looked at my savior
"Thanks" I said but he wasn't looking at me, he was looking at my white shirt, I looked down to check what he was focused on and saw my white shirt socked With blood, my blood.
The panic attack must have made the place I cut my self on the stomach this morning bleed again.
I looked up in horror when I realized Jide is probably going to try to know why am bleeding and take me to the school nurse and she will find out I cut my self and they will tell my parent so I did the most reasonable thing I could think of at that Moment
I jumped on my feet and ran, I pushed Jide on the floor as I ran past him to the ladies toilet.
I tried to calm down my breathing and raised up me shirt to stop the excessive bleeding, I was in the middle of it when some one barged in and guessed who it was, yh you guessed right Jide and the next thing he said made me almost break down in tears
"You self harm"!!