➵ Ateez Imagines [discontinued]

➳ Hongjoong

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WARNING ;
This chapter focuses mainly on suicidal thoughts/ behaviour, depression, self-harm etc. which some readers may find upsetting or triggering. Please do not read if you aren't comfortable with these themes or any topics related to this.

(Request) - SarahJungkook13
Hope it's okay and what you wanted!

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Silence. That's all there was in the dark room, and if anybody were in the room, silence is what they would hear, not a single sound. You didn't hear silence. You heard screaming voices, shouting in both your ears at the top of their lungs. The voices, of course, belonged to your conscience that somehow shouted thousands of things at once. It was a single conscience yet felt like lots of little ones.

'Worthless' it screamed once. Your eyes were tightly shut as you tried to shake that annoying voice away that was there near enough 24/7.

"It'll get better," Hongjoong once told you, assuring you that the sad, negative thoughts would someday disappear. That's what everybody said, and you thought it was all lies. You didn't feel it would get better, no, you knew it wouldn't get better.

"You're good enough," he told you another time, and you remembered his eyes welling up with tears as he held your hand in his, upset that you were still going through difficult times several months after he had first found out and was convinced you were happier.

That was months ago, and he was once again convinced you were better. Didn't doubt yourself, didn't pick yourself apart and didn't hide yourself away from everyone.

You felt horrible for keeping such things from him. The nasty voices that belonged to you that were still inside your head, the fresh cuts that rested on your legs and waist, the sad, lonely, tearful nights you had when he wasn't around. He deserved to know, but you knew you couldn't put him through it again.

He had been heartbroken when finding out for the first time, not believing that it was true. He was determined to help and he was always focusing on you, ensuring you were okay and were eating well and what not. At some point, he completely blocked himself out and focused on you only.  Hongjoong didn't deserve to have that weight on his shoulders, and he didn't deserve to cry over someone he loved.

It would break your heart to see him upset because of you when he was always so happy.

Light entered the room as you flicked your eyes open as you heard knocks on the door of your apartment. You took a deep breath, going to the door to greet Hongjoong.

He smiled when you opened the door, kissing your cheek as he entered the cosy apartment, taking a seat on the couch.

You ordered take away for you both, and after finishing ordering, Hongjoong trailed off to the bathroom to wash his hands. He reached the top shelf of the cabinet, getting a new bottle of soap however, he completely trailed his eyes away from the soap and focused on a box of razors, opened and sitting alone at the very back of he cabinet.

He furrowed his brows, picking the small box up and looking inside. There were a few razors there, nothing special, yet he knew better than to let it slide after what you had been through. He quickly dried his hands, walking back to you and sitting next to you.

"How are you?" He first asked, not getting straight to the point and instead engaging in a normal conversation.

"Good," you replied and nodded slightly.

He didn't know how to question his findings. Does he straight up ask you? Beat around the bush? Show you the box and question you there? Instead of asking questions, he tried to catch glimpses of the skin underneath your sleeve, and was surprised to see nothing there (from what he could see, anyway).

"I found a box of razors in the bathroom. Why were they there? Hidden?" He asked quickly, immediately regretting the way he brought the conversation up. You panicked and tried to keep calm.

"Shaving," you lied and shifted a little in your seat, cheeks changing a light shade of red. The tears that started forming in your eyes were enough to give away your lie.

"(Y/n).." he trailed off, frowning suddenly as his eyes softened. He tucked his hand away in his sleeve, wiping your tears and hugging you.

"Why didn't you say anything? I'm always here to help you," he said and his voice was quiet.. sad. Disappointed.

You only managed to sniffle into his clothing, gripping his shirt as your cried. His hand played with your hair comfortingly, calming you while you hardly cried.

Hongjoong was yet again, heartbroken. To know you had been going through it alone, without nobody helping made his heart hurt.

"I'm sorry," you choked out, your voice slightly muffled as you sunk deeper into his embrace. He didn't respond to your apology, and continued playing with your hair, hoping to stop your tears.

Hongjoong had dealt with the situation before, twice, actually, and considering that, he didn't know what to do. Obviously what he had done before didn't help as you were still hurting.

"Is there anything I can do?" He asked, hoping to hear what you wanted him to do rather than what he thought was right.

"Please, just stay here," you whispered softly, squeezing your arms around his waist and practically screaming 'stay with me'.

"Okay," he whispered back, his voice calming and definitely all you needed in that moment. There was nothing more you wanted than to have him hold you.. assure you he was there and give you all the love you needed. And he did exactly that.

He held you for hours that night, talking to you in order to keep your mind occupied, kissing and hugging you to make you feel loved and doing silly things to make you laugh.

You had come to realise, maybe it wasn't getting better because you weren't allowing anyone to help you. You had already felt much better when having Hongjoong talk to you about it, assuring you that it would pass etcetera, etcetera. Just by his presence and comforting words alone were enough to make you feel it was going to be okay.

With him, you knew for sure it was going to be okay.