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It was hard being in the same car as him, it was hard just being with him. After everything that had happened between us, you'd expect the result to be the two of us getting closer, but I couldn't even look at him.
“Look, about yesterday—” Taeyong began.
“I—no. It's okay,” I said, putting up a hand and looking away from him. “I understand. I'm sorry you had to…”
We both knew why I left the sentence hanging.
He had to what? I still wasn't sure. The whole scenario was crystal clear inside my head, everything including the reason behind it and the response it got. Neither of us hadn't been in the best physical state, but we'd still—we’d still had sex, and it changed so much inside me, but all that came to the surface was shame.
“That's not what I mean,” he mumbled, as if he was just as bashful about the situation, even though I knew it wouldn't be the correct way to see it. He was the one who's made the first move, and the only thing that truly bothered me about it was what it meant. Not the sex. The emotion. “I just...I wanted you to know it does have to mean anything.”
I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against the window, the glass feeling cold when it came into contact with my warm skin. There was no way I could see it any other way, Taeyong had known that the moment he had decided that sensual contact was the only way to pull me out of my stupor. I knew. I knew everything it implied, everything that he had tried to tell me through touch instead of words, everything it meant, everything that could never become reality.
A relationship wasn't possible. Not in this hellhole, and definitely not wherever I was going, alone. Verbal confession was only going to make worse for both of us.
And anyway, I had no idea what I felt in response. Yes, there was a stirring in my senses whenever he looked at me, but for how many? It only served to make me feel like a cruel bitch, but that was it. I couldn't help it, I couldn't help who I wanted.
“How can you just say that?” My voice cracked through the sentence, making my question sound even more pathetic. “When you know it's only going to make it harder?”
He remained silent, the soft vibration of the car around me failing to give me the familiar sense of placidity it always did. I was going to the safe house, again, under the supervision of Baekhyun, again, simply because there was no way I could live with Vernon after what we had done. I couldn't do that to Taeyong. I couldn't do that to Vernon.
“I must come off as secretive and suspicious,” he said instead, taking on a lighter and more conversational tone. “You had to spill everything about your past with the bikers in front of me, and here I am, talking in dumb riddles.”
I ignored the bitterness that caught the tail of the last word. He was right, but I just didn't see how it was either relevant or helpful. Making small talk wasn't going to make it easier to digest. I might as well have tried to ask him about the weather.
