Running With Scissors

Gargantuan Jellybeans

"Isn't it weird that we can't have a proper conversation without making questions?" pondered James Truman-Conelly. "It's mind-blowing. Every book I read, every movie I see, and every conversation is at least fifty percent in question form."

Peter wholeheartedly agreed with that remark. In fact, he would argue that the only real reason we speak to each other in the first place is to gather information since we don't exteriorize our thought unless it's to juxtapose it with other's thoughts. Every dialogue is a clash of wills; every word is a bullet on an ego war.

Or at least, that's what he would say if James Truman-Conelly hadn't stabbed him in the forearm just 30 seconds ago.

"What the shit, Conelly?" asked Peter. "I said the heart, the heart!"

"Sorry," said James Truman-Conelly, pulling the knife out.

If you ever get stabbed with a knife, it would be wise to leave it where it is and go about your business. Don't touch the knife, don't acknowledge the knife, and most importantly, don't pull it out. Chances are the knife is holding the damaged vessels in place and preventing them from bleeding out. The only exception to this rule is in case you get stabbed in the eye. In that case, do panic and seek help.

James Truman-Conelly was not aware of that little fact when he pulled the knife and a squirt of blood hit him right in the face.

"Why?!" asked Peter. It was a very loaded question since he didn't quite express the subject of the question. Maybe it was "Why are bees dying at an alarming rate?" or "Why is income inequality still a major issue in 2019 when comprehensive policies have been enacted at a federal level to better address today's financial needs?"

Of course, we will make an educated guess and say that Peter wanted to ask "Why would you pull the knife out?! Didn't you know the knife is holding the damaged vessels in place and preventing them from bleeding out?!"

Now, if your instincts have betrayed you to the point of removing a knife from a knife wound, you probably wouldn't trust then again when they tell you to stick the knife back in, but James Truman-Conelly was a very trusting man. With a half-muttered sorry, he plunged the knife back in what he thought was the knife wound, but he actually missed it by an inch, stabbing him yet again.

Here is where Peter would say something witty, but his brain was a mass of hot, white pain, and didn't feel like doing anything but scream.

Realizing his mistake after a minute of Peter wriggling around on the floor while bleeding all over his precious Wendy's wrappers, James Truman-Conelly managed to pin Peter down and remove the knife. Again.

Now there were two squirting knife wounds. Bleeding out wasn't how Peter wanted to go. Too slow and tortuous. With James Truman-Conelly on top of him, and holding a knife in his hand, he made a desperate plea.

"End me, you fat bastard!" he yelled. "Right here!" said Peter, tapping his chest where his heart should be. "Quick stab, in and out. Fast and dirty!"

James Truman-Conelly's hands were trembling, sweating, sticky and slippery. He had never killed a man, at least not knowingly. Adrenaline pumped through his body, dilating his eyes and tightening his grip. It was exciting, exhilarating even.

James Truman-Conelly closed his eyes, raised the knife and plunged it down as hard as he could.

We at "Running with Scissors" do not condemn the stabbing of another human being, but if you need to absolutely do it, please keep your eyes open before doing it. If you don't, you may accidentally stab yourself in the thigh as James Truman-Conelly did.