Running With Scissors

No Pugs Were Harmed In The Making Of This Chapter

As we have tried to explain in this story, there are many ways in which a person might try to find meaning in this chaotic, often uncaring universe.

We have gone on a philosophical tour through Kierkegaard's devotion to a higher being, to Sartre's contemplation of existentialism, making a turn on Camus' embrace of the absurd, and even getting lost on the feminist detour that was De Beauvoir. We have seen monuments to Freud's theory of the ego and Pascal's cheerful nihilism, and even a nice pit stop at John Locke's Tabula Rasa Bar and Grill. Some even got to use the Schopenhauer toilet!

Statues of L'yartg the All-Knowing have been erected along the way, along with paintings and still-lifes of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and Anton Chekhov. We even had a metaphysical experience with the concept of Mindfulness, achieving enlightenment with Wu-Wei and the divine essence, and even Karma with its weird sense of justice.

All of those ideas, philosophies, and practices try to teach us how to live our lives, or at the very least, to avoid a gruesome death. Each of them is wildly different from the other, and mixing them in one big philosophical milkshake sounds both gross and highly inefficient. So which one to choose? Which one is the right answer? Should we give our life to nothingness, or God, or madness?

And that, our dear reader, is the motif of this book. There is no right answer to life's biggest question, and trying to choose a definitive one is a folly on itself. But we at "Running with Scissors" have the answer. In fact, we can successfully make a philosophical milkshake so delicious that it will bring all of the boys to our yard. And it all starts with a choice.

You see, all of the philosophies above are wildly different, but they all have one shared distinct founding principle that is the basis of their entire belief system: choices.

Each philosophical current we presented you with believes that, since there is no preordained order to the universe, it is up to us to make something out of the chaos of our life. We are but the sum of all of our choices, from what we eat, to how we dress, to who we hang around with. Everything starts with us. We are the masters of our fate—the captains of our spaceships. We live and die by our actions.

From the very beginning, "Running with Scissors" has been a parable on how our actions have tangible consequences, and that no matter how much we run away from them, they're going to catch us in the end.

At each step of the way, we have stressed Peter's choices and how they have affected everyone around him.

Peter chose not to get treatment.

He chose to eat nuggets with James Truman-Conelly.

He chose to kill himself.

He chose Massimo as his assassin.

It is not surprising that, as we reach the climax of this story, all of Peter's bad choices would return to haunt him once more. Such is the nature of choice.

One could almost compare Peter to a man running with scissors—the biggest danger to his life was himself.

To borrow from Pascal: all of Peter's unhappiness came from his inability to stay peacefully alone in his room.

Another interesting thing all our philosophical theories have in common: none of them tell you what to do when a one-eyed naked man with no clothes and a snake wrapped around his neck comes charging at you with a knife. Luckily, Peter and Sarah already knew what to do.

For Peter, it was getting up dramatically and yelling "Massimo!" as he pointed at him with pure, unabashed judgment.

For Sarah, it was punching said a one-eyed naked man with no clothes and a snake wrapped around his neck...in his neck. But she soon found said snake to be way too effective at protecting Massimo's neck, swiping at her as soon as she approached.