Control

xxxix | there for you

THERE WAS A FAINT BEEPING IN THE BACKGROUND. I still couldn't find the energy to open my eyes. Every part of my body ached in pain. My mind was barely awake. Instead, I just listened.

Footprints were heard everywhere, they were in the room, in the hall, there were even ones pacing with worry. I couldn't see who they belonged too. Everything hurt. Everything felt sore. It felt as if someone smacked the back of my head with a hammer or squeezed my brain between their heavy hands.

People muttered words to each other and I could barely make out any of them. Or, at least most of them. They were all probably talking about me and once upon a time, I probably would've cared. This time, I didn't. I wanted to sink back into whatever sleep I was in and maybe never wake up.

There was one voice that was clear to me. One that probably belonged to the person that clutched onto my hand too tightly. Their grip was tight, yet gentle at the same time. Comforting, I guess, would be a better word.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm so, so sorry." The voice was of someone I knew. Dad already apologized. I told him none of this was actually his fault. He couldn't take the blame for anything. I needed to open my eyes, tell him that everything was going to be okay. I couldn't respond though, simply a groan was able to escape my lips.

"Shh... it's okay Lauren, stay still, lie down sweetheart." He sound like he's on the verge of breaking. "Everything is okay now. Everything is back to as normal as it can be, kid. I'm just so, so sorry. I can't do this anymore, kid.

"I love you more than anything in the world, Lauren, but everything is falling apart... I just can't--" He paused, trying to control his breathing. "Your... mother was the one that had everything under control, until, well, she kind of lost it with the Institute and I was just kind of tagging along and trying to do the best I can, kid. I wanted a family with her and... and this is how it turned out in the end."

It was quiet for a long time. It felt as though he was waiting for a response for me but I couldn't. Even if the thoughts in my hear were going a mile a minute, I couldn't pass through the weight holding me down. 

"I -- I was never able to do anything. I can't help you now and I don't think I can do anything once you're here, conscious, and I'm sure you'll need someone -- anyone -- that can give you all the help you need, kid."

His words were all over the place. I couldn't piece together what he was trying to say.

"I'm going to try to be there, okay kid? Okay Lauren? You're all I have left and I love you more than anything in the world, I hope you know that. If I'm being honest kid, I'm not doing so well. I don't know what I'm going to do."

He leans over, pressing his lips onto my forehead. "Get better, sweetheart." I smell alcohol from his breath, knowing that probably isn't a good sign.

I hear the creak as he leaves the side of my bed. I don't want him to go. I want to hear his voice as I fall asleep and I want it to be the first thing I hear when I wake up. He was the only immediate member of my family I had left. I didn't want that to be the last time I heard Dad's voice. 

He really did make it sound like it was going to be the last.

- - -

The white lights send my senses into overdrive. I'm panicking. My ears are ringing. I need to scream, swing my arms and legs everywhere, trying to make a tantrum. I haven't been awake since Dad was there to talk to me. Everything still hurt. My body still ached. Yet this time, I found the energy to scream from the top of my lungs, but the doctors were able to pin my body down to the bed before I broke something and/or injured someone.