Good Girls Bad Guys

Ronnie.

ONE YEAR LATER... 

I sit alone in her bedroom, everything still smells like her, even after all this time. The guys and Hellie went home, but I refused to leave her house, so I moved in. I hear Caleb making little noises in the cot, and I walk over to him. Looking down at him, I am once again shocked by how much he looks like me, but I see her eyes staring up at me. I breathe deeply and stroke his little head. I suppose I should hate him for taking her from me, but I don't. I don't even resent him, not one bit. I take him into my arms and he buries his little face into my chest. I smile despite myself. I love my son more than anything, and between him, my band and my fans, I've started to build my life up again. Caleb pushes his tiny hand against my face and I kiss it softly. 

"Happy Birthday, Cal." I whisper to him. My son's first birthday should be a happy occasion, of course, and I am happy, but I can't get out of my head what else happened this day one year ago. He smiles a little toothless grin at me, but I can see the little bumps where his teeth are coming through. On Hellie's command, I dress him in the little sailor outfit she bought him before he was even born. 

"Ahoy butternuts!" I exclaim before tickling him. He lets out a laugh and I sigh happily. It's then that my phone rings, and I pick it up with one hand while holding Caleb in the other. 

"Yellow?"

"Hey Ronnie."

"Oh, hey Ryan. What's up?"

"We're just walking up to the house." 

"Oh okay, see you soon."

"Hey, Ronnie?"

"Yeah, Ryan?"

"Are you okay? I mean, the date..." he asked, but let the question trail off.

"No, I'm not. But it's my son's birthday." I say defiantly. 

"I miss her too." Ryan says quietly. I take in a deep breath. 

"I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Okay, see you." he says before hanging up. I look into Caleb's eyes and concentrate on breathing and keeping calm. I remember it perfectly. The second I knew she was going to die. The doctor came over to me and told me what was wrong with her, though for the life of me, I can't remember what it was. I remember looking at him confusedly, and he told me that she was dying, and that she'd only be awake for another 10 minutes, but maybe I could delay it a little. It was then that I realised that I wouldn't get to spend my life with her. I couldn't ever call her Mrs Radke. Nothing. I decided to ask her to marry me, to see what she'd have said. I never dreamed she'd say yes! Once she said it though, I realised it was time to let her go because keeping her with me would only hurt us both. When I walk downstairs with Caleb, I find all my bandmates and Hellie on the sofas. I plop down next to them and join them in whatever film they are watching while Hellie plays with Caleb. They said they were here for his birthday, but we all know it is so that they could keep an eye on me, which I appreciate. I wouldn't do anything stupid because of Caleb, but if  I was alone, I know i would be an emotional wreck. Jacky puts his hand on my shoulder and looks at me. 

"Ronnie...are you there?" he asks. I'm confused by his question. Of course I'm here.

"Um, yeah?" I answer. His face drops a little.

"No, Ronnie, you're here but you're not with us. You're with her. Your face is completely blank and so is your voice."

"I feel blank, too." I answer. Ryan sighs and touches my hand. I feel a wave of almost electricity pass through me. Ryan and I have always had an...interesting relationship (meaning, we both fancy the pants off each other, but neither of us admit it, except for one fling a couple years back.) I find it kind of weird that Ryan and Annie had the same relationship as Ryan and myself. I turn towards him. 

"Ronnie..." he whispers. I blink a couple times and stare at him, feeling my emotions slowly return.

"This is for your own good, okay?" he murmurs. I know what he's going to do before he even makes a move to do it. He presses his lips softly against mine and runs his hand through my hair. I sigh and kiss him back, my hands on his hips. I feel emotions burst through me, some that I haven't felt in over a year. Then, all too soon, he breaks away, smiling shyly.

"Better?" he asks. I nod and smile slightly. I'm surprised that after Annie died, I didn't go back to drugs and alcohol. I guess it's all because of Caleb. Charlie nuzzles my leg and I chuckle. Charlie had and always has had a huge part in keeping me sane too, and he's helped me get through this. Her house (I will never refer to it as my house) still smells like her, but it doesn't hurt anymore, now it's just comfortable. All her clothes are still in the wardrobe, all her make up and hair supplies and everything exactly where she left them. I occasionally pick something of hers up, hold it, then put it back down, because it makes me feel closer to her. Soon enough, I won't even have to do that. The only thing I can see myself doing for a while is holding one of her shirts to myself while I sleep, and putting another one in Caleb's cot. My iphone chimes for the thousandth time today, and I sigh. I guess it's time to check twitter. 

"@RonnieRadke, my thoughts are with you today . #RIPAnnie <3"

"@RonnieRadke, stay strong. #RIPAnnie"

I sigh. The rest of the messages are pretty much the same. I reply and retweet a few of them, and go to close twitter, when something catches my eye. #RIPAnnie is trending on twitter. I smile. I'm very fond of my fans, and their support through this and everything has been invaluable to me. 

"Thank you to everyone for your support. It means a lot to me. <3" I tweet before putting my phone down. 

"Are you okay Ronnie?" Hellie asks, looking up at me with concern in her eyes. I smile at her, my son, Charlie, my bandmates and the picture of Annie grinning at me on top of the TV. Finally, I let my gaze wander up to the ceiling and beyond, as if I'm looking up to heaven where Annie was looking down at me. 

"I can honestly say that yes, I am okay. Finally, I am okay."