Body Image

Find Myself

Chapter 4

After they signed the contract, they went back to the house to pack. When we got home. I logged on facebook to deactivate it. I saw so many hate messages, it wasn't even funny.

"What's this?" Louis asked from behind me.

"Nothing." I said logging off. I cant delete it with Louis standing right there! I stood up and started to my room. Louis followed.

"Alyssa wait." He said. I closed the door but he caught it. He walked in and sat next to me on my bed. I looked at him.

"What." I said try to avoid him.

"How long?" He asked. I knew what he ment. I looked out my window. I know what I have to do now.

"Since you broke off with Hannah." I said glancing at my bag then at the window agian.

"Really?" He asked. I shook my head looking at him this time.

"No. When you auditioned, a jerk and asked me out and I turned him down. He called me fat and ugly. Then Hannah..." I said. Louis hugged me. I looked at my closet behind him.

"You know you're none of those things, right?" He said. I nodded not wanting to talk anymore. He went out of the room and went to sleep.

When everyone was asleep, I packed my bags and got my 2000 dollars I have saved up from work and snuck out. I was gonna wait and tell them but I have to leave now. I was only in PJ's but I don't care. I ran to the airport and bought a ticket for America. The plane leaves in three hours... I got changed and wrote a letter to home.

Dear Family,

I have not run away, but am taking a break from life here. I want to find myself. Louis will become famous and will get alto of attention. I can't handle that right now. I have stopped eating again. I also have cut. But no worries. I'm good. I just need to find my strength again. If I stay I will have to eat for Louis sake, Lottie's sake, Felicity's sake, and everyone else. If I go I can find my power to eat with no force. I just need time.

I was going to tell you later but I have applied to a school and I am attending it. I will keep my grades up and make it far with a carrer. I know what I want to do and I will acomplish it. I love you guys with all my heart.

I will write again. Don't worry. Don't look for me. I'm no longer in the UK. Please no worries. Please. Think of it like this.

I stay - Hate myself

I go - I find myself

All my love and more,

Alyssa <3

I asked an man with a camera that prints the picture itself, to take a picture of me. He did and gave me the picture. I put it in with the letter and mailed it to my... Well, the house. I walked back to the gate and saw a girl about my age. She walked up to me.

"Hey. You going to America?" She asked. I nodded.

"Yeah." I said. She clapped her hands and jumped up.

"Cool. How old are you?" She asked.

"I'm 19. I have a twin." I said. She nodded.

"Me too, just not the twin part. Oh! I'm Emma." She said.

"I'm Alyssa." I said, but she didn't shake my hand she just hugged me. Ok?

They called the plane and turns out we sat next to each other on the plane. We talked the whole time. I found out that we are going to the same school. We became really good friends on the flight. We were fixen to land when she asked me where I was staying till school starts.

"I thought it started in two weeks?" I said. She shook her head and laughed.

"Nooo... It starts in two months." She said.

"Oh." I said feeling stupid. See, dorms open 3 weeks before school. I was going to get a dorm.

"You can stay with me and my friends. We're all have a house together. I'm sure you can have a room, just as long as you get a job to help pay." She said.

"I've already got one." I said. I do, I am the newest designer on the Rue 21 team. The office is in New York, where the school is. I thought of everything. Exept when school started...

"Cool where?" She asked.

"I design for that teen store, Rue 21." I said.

"I LOVE THAT PLACE!" She said. I laughed. We talked till the attendent told us to be quiet so she could give exiting instructions. Emma smirked.

"Hold on." She said standing up. I looked at her.

"OK. A DUCK WALKED UP TO A LEMONADE STAND AND HE SAID TO THE MAN RUNNING THE STAND "HEY"!" She sung. I stood up cause I knew the song.

"BUM BUM BUM GOT ANY GRAPES?" I sung. We sat back down as the lady stared at us. I FEEL SO VIOLATED!

We got off and got our luggage. A car pulled up, 2 girl were in the car.

"EMMA!" They yelled. She waved and brought me over.

"Guys. This is Alyssa. She's going to stay with us." She said. They said hey and stuff. It is and hour drive to their house so we got to know each other. Victoria and Morgan are their names and there all 19 too! They have a gay friend named Tyler. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A GAY FRIEND! They seem cool.

"So Alyssa. You got a lover back in England?" Morgan asked from the driver's seat. I shook my head.

"Nope." I said. We talked a while longer then we pulled into a place called T.G.I Friday. We took a seat and ate. After we were done, we talked a while then I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I made sure no one was in it. I went to a stall and threw my food up. It burned thine crap.

When I was done, I came out and got a mint. I looked in the mirror and saw more imperfections. The girls are freaken perfect and gorgeous, while I'm ugly and fat.

I keep telling myself these things. I started to cry when Victoria walked in.

"Hey. There you are. What's wrong?" She asked.

"Nothing. Just um, homesick." I said. She nodded and we went back out to the car. The way home the girls jammed to the radio. I stayed quiet playing on my ipod.

"Were here!" Morgan yelled. I looked out and saw a nice house on a lake! Two more girls came out and hugged Emma.

"Hey guys! This is Alyssa! She's from England." Morgan said. I smiled and waved. Their names were Taylor and Meghan.

"Don't be shy! You're staying with us now! Come on say something stupid as your first welcome!" Meghan laughed.

"Guys.. Come on, that's hurts." I said. They busted out laughing and gave me high fives. I think I'm gonna like it here.