Will you hold me? | cavetown

10 - 888

October 16th (Friday)

I've been at college for over a month now, me and Ray are definitely developing the feels for each other. I still haven't explained to him I'm asexual yet so I have no idea how that's going to go down. But he has definitely taken care of me when I needed him to so i don't see why something like this would wreck our relationship.

My anxiety has gotten progressively worse this past month. I've been having anxiety attacks pretty much on the daily. I haven't had one today and I'm feeling okay, but I know this is probably the calm before the storm.

We only have a few weeks until term time is over so I'll be going back home soon which will be nice. I'm probably going to have to see my GP at some point though because I know Ray is worried about me and if I'm honest I'm also worried. I have no idea what's happening to me anymore and it's scary.

We were sat in class when all of a sudden I felt myself become anxious. I can't do this here, I repeated to myself over and over again. My tears were on the brink of spilling out and I knew Ray had noticed my sudden change in emotion. How the heck he did, I don't know.

"Are you okay?" He asks me quietly while the teacher is still up front talking to the class. I'm in no state to talk so I just send a thumbs up his way. "No you're not." He replies seriously. I was now struggling to breathe and felt like I was about to lash out.

Another bad attack.
Great.

I quickly got up and ran to the disabled toilets, ignoring the shouts from my teacher. I didn't realise Ray had followed me out until he slipped into the room with me. I was now hyperventilating and freaking out. I really needed to hit something.

I let the tears fall and my anger and anxiety took over control of my body once again. I was hitting myself and shouting profanities like there was no tomorrow. My legs had given out a few seconds before I started hitting myself so I was now laying in a heap on the floor screaming and sobbing.

I felt my hands being restrained and like last time, I began kicking. My body wanted to get all my anxiety out and this is the way it wanted to. No exceptions. "Claire, Claire you've got to focus. Come on, it'll pass." Ray said as I stopped for a moment, his hands loosing their grip on me.

"Fuck off!" I screamed and began hitting him. I have no control anymore. I'm literally trapped inside my body. Ray pushed me off of him and I crawled into the corner by the door. I put my back against the wall and my head between my knees. Breathe Claire is all I kept repeating until I felt a little less lightheaded.

"Did I hurt you?" I asked Ray from my little corner. "No I'm fine." He says quietly from the other side of the room. I slowly lift my head up and realise pretty quickly, he is not fine. He had a bloody nose from where I had hit him in my state and he had a few small cuts from me.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry." I said quickly as I made my way over to him. "Claire I'm fine." He says sternly, pushing my hands away from his face. I started to cry at the realisation of what I had done and what I was capable of.

I got some paper towels and put water on them. "Let me clean them." I said to Ray as I crouched back down on the floor in front of him. He didn't refuse but instead he closed his eyes and let me clean the blood off of his face   I couldn't do much apart from that considering I didn't have a first aid kit with me but I made a mental note to take him to the nurse as soon as we get out of here.

We were still sat in the toilets, and had been for around an hour now, when he finally said something to me. "Let's go." Was all he muttered as he stood from the floor and opened the door. "I'm really sorry." I say to him as he made his way to the nurse. "Whatever Claire." Was all he said.

Boy have I really fucked up.