Will you hold me? | cavetown

18 - It's U

November 8th (Sunday)

We had been at his house for a few days now and my medication not working was hitting me hard. My hallucinating had stopped thankfully but my anxiety attacks were back and definitely couldn't be kept at bay with a few breathing exercises or a cup of tea.

"Violent attack." I say as I get up from the table and run to the disabled toilet in Nando's. My breathing quickened and I was now hyperventilating and thrashing my arms about. I didn't have the oxygen to scream and shout so I just sat there and let the anxiety consume me. So much for a nice dinner.

"Can we go?" I ask as I return to the table where Ray was seated looking worried. "Sure baby, Let me go pay." He says getting up and going to the waitress. I had managed to sort my self out after the attack had hit and if you didn't know what had happened you'd probably think I was just extremely tired.

"I'm sorry baby." He says as we are laying in his bed, while he ran his hand through my hair. Something, I have learned he loves to do. "It's okay." I reply snuggling more into him.

"I'll help you as much as I can." He says quietly kissing the top of my head. Something else he likes to do. "Thank you." I reply sleepily as I let my eyelids fall and allow sleep to consume me.

I woke up a few hours later to an empty bed. Then started to freak out because I thought he had left me. Consequently ending in me crying and Ray running into his room and engulfing me in the tightest hug yet.

"What happened?" He asked once I had calmed down. "I thought you left me." I say sheepishly. "I'm never leaving you baby." He says planting a kiss on my cheek. "Thank you." I say hiding my head in his chest. Boy does my body need to calm the heck down. I fucking hate my anxiety.

I was still exhausted from earlier but made sure to go down and eat dinner with everyone. Me and Ray had sandwiches instead of what Mandy and his dad ate but we still sat with them and watched television afterwards. It's kind of their nightly ritual which I'm happy to be a part of.

I had a shower whilst Ray played on his xbox with his friends. This time he didn't have to wash my hair for me even though I had no energy.

After I had finished in the shower he had his turn and I grabbed a book from his desk and began reading it. It was some boring Shakespeare so I put it back rather quickly and just ended up laying in his bed waiting for him to finish his shower.

We had to go back to college in two days and let's just say I'm not looking forward to it at all. I'm fed up of having anxiety attacks all the time over the stupidest of things. At the time it's not stupid but when you look back on it they are. I had one because I didn't know where Ray went. Clingy much...

"You okay?" I ask him as he climbed into bed and laid down beside me. "Yeah, why?" He responds concerned. "I don't know, just was wondering." I reply as I lay there. "Give me your hand." I demand quietly while trying not to giggle. "Okay..." He responds skeptically as he puts his hand in mine. "Goodnight." I say as I kiss his hand and interlock our fingers. "Goodnight." He says as I hear him smile to himself.