Will you hold me? | cavetown

11 - Juliet

October 18th (Saturday)

The next day as soon as I woke up, which was around six in the morning, I went straight to see Ray.

I knocked on his door and waited for him to answer. After hearing a few grunts the door slowly swung open. I engulfed him in a hug and he staggered back a little from the impact but he stayed on his feet. "Morning." I whisper quietly in his ear. He grunts in response and climbs back into his bed, leaving room for me to curl up beside him.

We had been laying like this for the longest time now and my legs were slowly being crushed by his body but he was so cute sleeping and I didn't want to wake him.

"Ray, move over." I whisper eventually and gently move his body off of mine. I think he definitely liked cuddles while he slept. Such a cutie.

By now I've decided to just see where we take each other. If we want to be together, I'll happily do that. If he doesn't want to then he doesn't have to. I'm messed up and I'm fully aware of that.

I got up slowly from beside him and quietly snuck out the room to go get him breakfast. I made my way to the campus cafe and back in around twenty minutes.

I used his keys, which I grabbed before I left, to get back into his room. He was still sleeping so I leant over him and hugged him,to which he started to stir. "Morning again." I said quietly. "Morning." He replied even quieter.

So much for him being a talker eh?

"Thanks for the food." He said after he had devoured it in one mouthful. Boys are gross. "What do you wanna do today?" He asks once he threw all the rubbish in the bin. "How about we go to the park again." I suggest. He nods in response and grabs some clothes to get changed into.

We were finally out the door and on our way to the park which took a lot longer then it should have because someone just wanted to cuddle in bed all day. Told you he was a cutie.

We ended up hidden beneath the shade of a tree with a view of the pond sat next to one another. But of course that changed pretty soon because someone wanted cuddles. He's more clingy then me sometimes I swear.

"Can you let go please." I say to Ray as I begin feeling suffocated by him. He slowly let's go and lays beside me quietly as I try to figure out what's wrong with me this time.

Violent attack? No.
Anxiety attack? Possibly.
Anxious? For sure.
Should I leave? Probably.
Am I going to? Nope.

I try to suppress the beginning of an attack by taking in less oxygen but I end up feeling like I'm going to faint due to the lack of air. "Ray I gotta go." I say quickly as I get up and begin to run not even waiting to hear his response.

And that's how I ended up in a heap on the floor somewhere on campus. I tried to stop it but you can't stop a tsunami and I should have known that. My legs gave out a few minutes ago and I'm still sat here on the concrete ground. I can't even see my surroundings clearly due to the tears in my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. That would mean I'm weak. But fuck it I'm already weak, I'm literally sat in an unknown place having an anxiety attack that popped out of nowhere as usual. I let the tears fall and I silently sob into my jacket sleeves.

"Hey, are you okay?" I hear a quiet voice from beside me ask. I don't have the energy to talk so I just shake my head no. "Do you want to come with me?" She asks even quieter. I nod slowly and get up, following her to wherever she's going to take me. I probably shouldn't be doing this but I'm beyond the point of caring right now.