Will you hold me? | cavetown

19 - I'll make cereal

November 15th (Sunday)

We had now been back at college for over a week and my anxiety is controlling my life. The new medication is helping a little but at the same time the symptoms are the same as the last medication. Hopefully it'll work with it's full effect soon.

I'm managing to hide the really bad bits from Ray because I don't want to scare him but sometimes all I want to do is call him up so he can tell me if what I'm seeing and hearing is real. I just want everything to stop and to have a break for a few seconds.

I can't even sleep to get away from reality as even my dreams are haunting me. It's horrible and I want out. I want out more then I ever have.

But everyday I get up and act as though everything is fine. Because it is, isn't it?

I know that Ray is getting suspicious as I'm barely spending any time with him at the moment and I'm sure he's going to do a sit down protest in my room the next time he's here. At least I wouldn't be so lonely right?

I'm laying in bed asleep as I wake up with a jolt. I'm being pinned to my bed. I can't move and can't scream for help, I can barely make out the figure who is slowly choking me in the darkness of my room. If I can't breathe for much longer I'm going to pass out.

I managed to find the strength to pull open the curtain next to my bed. As soon as I yank them open they disappeared. My breaths are laboured and now I'm crying.

I swear somebody was in my room.

I don't want to call Ray but this is the worst my hallucinations have ever been and I feel petrified.

"It's alright Claire," He soothes me as I lay curled up in my bed with him. "I...I'm...scared" I whimper holding on tightly to him. "I know baby, but you're safe now and I won't let anything hurt you."

We stayed there for hours, clinging onto each other to make sure neither of us was going to leave. I think he is just as scared as I am about all of this. Clearly medication isn't helping me at all. Maybe it is worth looking at assistance dogs if the hallucinations keep on like this.

I hadn't left my room in days due to my anxiety and hallucinations so when Ray offered to go get dinner I cautiously let him go, not wanting to deal with the outside world just yet. Plus I really needed to shower so I decided to do that while he went out.

I washed the matted mess of hair on my head and cleaned myself up as much as I could. I was pretty much just washing all the layers of sweat off of my body that had been there for days now.

I'm not proud to admit that, but it's the reality with mental illness.

I arrived back at my room to find Ray already sat there with food waiting for me. "Thanks," I say as I grab some clothes and go and quickly change in my toilet.

He got me Chinese food which consisted of lemon chicken and egg fried rice. Ray got some pasta from another place but he shared a bit of my food as I didn't want to eat a lot of it.

"Please don't go," I whimper as he gets up from beside me. "I'm not leaving Claire, I'll go get my clothes and my stuff and bring it here then I'll stay with you tonight." He says tiredly. "Okay," i whisper suddenly scared. "Wait here," He says as he leaves me.

He was back within minutes and we were cuddled up in the darkness of my room, he was already sleeping and I couldn't sleep so I just laid there and let my head take over.

Not the best decision ever...

[A/N this is the last chapter I'm uploading for a week, I'm away on holiday so enjoy this chapter. Have a great week everyone :) ]