Remember the times

Chapter 19

tw// bulimia

What makes humans different from all the other beings.The ability to feel emotions and to reason.Oh,how much of a fools we were to think it was all a blessing.It was always a curse to feel everything deeply.He was not happy,he smiled,he was not happy,he laughed loudly,he was not happy,he made everyone feel better,he was not happy cause for him he was never good enough.He hated everything that was him.His jaws weren't cut like the others',Although Hoseok would always pinch his cheeks adoring their chubbiness,he hated it.

Some people hated it.

He smoothed out the letter in his hands before the limelight could fall on him.It was the 'Birthday Party' event.They all had letters written for Army.So far Jin,Hoseok had cried,he shouldn't cry,he was tough and cool.He began with a cheesy comment and it still didnot help the growing anxiety as he read on the letter,letter to Army.

"...My training period was only a year and I am the shortest of all members...Really,I cried a lot and thought of giving up frequently -",at some point he lost it,he said ' he cried',he said 'he thought'.There were no past tenses in reality.The letter did cover his tearful features but not the cracking voice.A solemn promise to himself,maybe they don't have to know about his mental struggle.

-

"Where is Jimin?",A question that was quite familiar to the household.A question that had became a daily routine for the boy wouldn't be in the dorm.And the answer to that question was always the same.

"In company,practising"

But they still kept asking and they still kept answering.
His phone rings,he wouldn't pick up.Someone rides to the company to physically grab him back to the dorm.He would miss his breakfast,lunch and dinner.

"Did you eat,Jimin?"
He nods.

Jin wasn't dumb to buy all his lies,he force-fed him.'He is eating',Jin would sigh looking at Jimin twisting at his food,contemplating the amount of calories each mouthful held.But under Jin's glare,they make it to his mouth.

And that day,Jin indeed did learn he was dumb,a break in recording had led him into the toilet cubicle to relieve himself.The gagging and gargling sound from the next cubicule had him alarmed.He banged on the door before kicking it down to see Jimin on his knees,clutching the toilet seat,sweaty and tired.He was throwing up on purpose.Ofcourse,Jin's first reaction was to slap the young one real hard,instead he resorted to hold him inside his big arms as he cried.There were a lot of things he wanted to say,to beg him to stop doing it.But that'd all be a line drawn on water.
Somewhere in the sobbing,Jimin said,"I am not enough"

Who would tell him that he was?Who would make him believe it,make him understand it?Jin ran his fingers through Jimin's hair trying to calm him down.How long had it been going on was the only thought he had.

Soon Jimin was left disgusted when he looked at food,His stomach would feel like turning upside down.His insides felt that angry groan.Yes,his cheeks disappeared making way for the sharp jaw but he had lost more than just the cheeks.

Jin hoped it would all end when Jimin collapsed,mid-way through their choreography.A life-less Jimin on Jungkook's shoulder was not something Jin would want to see again.Everything about him was wrong.His pressure level was down,so was his sugar level.When the doctor scolded their manager,Jin made sure,noone else heard.To them it was just a dehydration.Jin still remembered how weightless Jimin felt when he hauled him to the bed from the wheel chair.He couldn't keep Jimin's secrets to himself anymore and that's why he pulled Namjoon into that store room.He would listen to Namjoon or together they could show their brother he had reasons to love what he was.