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march 15 2016
it took haechan awhile to be able to breathe properly again. his heavy breathing was the only thing being heard in the quiet dark. he uncovered himself from under his comforter and headed to the bathroom. as he entered he took a quick glance at himself. his tan skin stood out from all the kids he grew up with. his brown hair swooped across his forehead, small droplets of sweat threating to fall. his cheeks were stained with dried tears. his eyes were sunken in, they were dark.
it was hard to believe that he was still the same person he was a month ago. he had no idea who he was now. was he supposed to be haechan? the son that his mother loved so deeply? the son that his mother was so proud of? the boy with glowing skin, and golden vocals? the kid who was good at everything he tried? the boy who held mark lee when he tripped and cried? the boy that worked so hard to become what he always wanted to become?
or was he donghyuck? the boy that giana held so dearly to her heart? the boy that giana tried so hard to get back? the boy that gave flowers to the homeless, and fed bread to the birds? the boy who would play with bugs? the boy who was excluded by so many, but loved by many others? the boy whose father was a criminal, hunting down his son? the boy whose father had no mercy, the father that waited so long for revenge against his own wife?
it was like a game. he had to spin the wheel to figure out which personality he had to be today. or the next day. he hated that he had to disappoint somebody to please another, each and every day. he hated the fact that once giana was out of view, he could go back to being what he was before he even knew that she actually existed. he hated that he was two-faced to his own mother, who worked hard every day to provide for him and his siblings. he constantly neglected his own family just to hang out with giana, who he never wanted to disappoint.
unfortunately, he already did all of those things. he had disappointed giana, his family, and especially himself. but how could he make people proud when he had no idea which personality of his would please everyone? even giana.
haechan felt a stab to his chest. what if it was better if both of his personalities are gone? what if both haechan and donghyuck ceased to exist on this earth? what he just disappeared? wouldn't that please everyone? even himself?
he wouldn't have to hurt himself every day trying to change himself for somebody. he wouldn't keep tearing apart his mind every day so he could be what they wanted. it was wrong of them. it was wrong of everyone. if he was gone, he wouldn't have to choose who to hurt. if they all really loved him as they claimed, wouldn't they be happy with his decision? wouldn't they be happy on who he chose to be?
why can't he be, what he wants to be?
☼
giana didn't like thinking. she especially didn't like thinking of donghyuck at this hour. it had been a while since she last saw him. or even heard from him. after he stormed out of the cafe this morning, she wanted to talk to him immediately. but she didn't. she didn't know why she didn't. she should've at least let him know she was there for him but she didn't. she couldn't seem to pick up the phone. she couldn't seem to want to hear his voice. giana soon understood. after sitting by herself on a park bench, hoping he would come apologize. after she realized that he never would come back. she finally understood.
she never knew it would end up like this. she hated that she was at fault. she knew that donghyuck had no idea who he wanted to be. after he had yelled at her for calling him donghyuck, she knew that something inside of him snapped. he wasn't ready for changing who he was. he wasn't ready to change his life for her. why would he anyway?
she hated that a small part of her wished that donghyuck had actually died in that crash.
she hated that she was changing him into who she wanted him to be, not who he actually was.
giana was suddenly filled with a small passion. her heart burned as she stood up to grab some paper. her hand danced with the pen, as her partner, on the paper dance floor. she poured her heart into the small sheet. as she sat alone under the moon, her heart cried to donghyuck for a while. when she was done, she folded the paper in two. concealing her heart and her emotions for him. she shut the lights and hid under her covers.
