§ Painkillers § Bucky Barnes

I know this might be annoying but it is VERY important.

Please read through!

Always remember that no matter how hard times may seem you can *always* get through it. And people used to tell me this all the time when my depression was, just soul crushing. And I always thought.

"Yeah but you don't know my situation"

And that was true, they didn't. But that didn't make them any less right or me any more wrong. Remember that you always have the means to get through whatever it is you're facing. Whether it's depression, anxiety, identity, confidence, hard life lessons, mental illness, trauma, etc. You *can* do it.

One thing people used to tell me that I have learned was just a lie, in my situation.

"Just give it time"

Or

"Time will heal (insert struggle here)"

This is *not* true. You have to work for your healing, and it hard. Trust me. But steps to take to reach wherever you're going are:

1. Remove yourself from toxic situations.

2. Find where your real friends/family are and surround yourself with them.

3. Challenge yourself: you don't want to talk to new people? Try introducing yourself to one person.

4. Get ready everyday. I know this one is hard. I get it, pjs are comfy. But getting ready every morning really helps.

5. Get on a regular sleep schedule. You might be surprised how much your mood is dependent on sleep.

6. Skipping meals is a bad idea! No matter what! Your body cannot function like it's supposed to if you are not giving it the fuel it needs.

7. Make a goal. This can be hard for things like mental illness, especially if you've had it for a long time. But making goals is very important because if you try to work towards nothing then you are not going to be motivated.

8. Remember, spending time on yourself is *not*, in any way, shape, form, or fashion, selfish. Working on yourself shows that you are strong. Because you recognized that there are things that you want to improve and you are working on it.

9. You are making progress. Even if it doesn't feel like it. Sometimes all you have to do is actually *tell* someone about the last (insert the amount of time that is right for you). And you will realize how much progress you've made. There will always be ups and downs. That's just life. But that is what makes life so beautiful. It's unpredictable and exciting. Yes, it can be sad or depression or anxiety inducing. But it's also, fun, happy, and full of love.

10. I always tell people to try therapy at least once in their life. And I get it, it's just not for some people. And that's okay, but you'll never know if you don't try. And there is absolutely nothing embarrassing or shameful about it. I go to therapy once a week for (social) anxiety and depression. I was shocked when I found out how much happier I am with my therapist.

I find that there are very few things that feel as good and catching up with an old friend and realizing how much progress I've made. And sometimes I don't even realize because it's something that happens slowly I didn't notice how much happier I am now.

And I know it's hard to think about how healthy is "healthy." I'll tell you. Healthy is all about how you feel. Not how you look, not how other perceive you. It's about how you fell on the inside. If you are unable to roll up your sleeve (metaphorically) and show me your scars, then that's okay. But you need the scars to heal or else the lemon juice of the world will keep getting to it. [i hope that made sense].

Now, if you don't mind I would like to share a brief version of my personal story.

When I was nine my father was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer. And unlike you might think. I wasn't scared. At all. I was very hopeful, and I believed my dad when he told me "it's nothing to be scared of or worry about." Fast forward and I found out that he had had cancer 10 to 15 before he was diagnosed. But that still didn't scare me. I refused to believe that this would change anything.
I just turned eleven. I have a late birthday. So it's about November and my dad's treatments were not doing anything. At this point the cancer had spread all throughout his body including his lungs and liver.
Now it's July of 2016. I'm still eleven. On July 11 my dad was admitted into the hospital because he was going to have a procedure to get rid of the fluid build up in his stomach. This procedure had only been done twice before him. But I wasn't worried. I knew my dad was strong.
The procedure didn't go quite right and a little after he ended up having a stroke. Nothing to serious but it was definitely a wake up call. A couple days passed and he had a second stroke. Now he couldn't talk to us. He could only grunt and moan. I would talk to him but he never replied. Now it the night of July 20, I'm in the den and I hear my mom come downstairs. I was very confused because my mom had spent the last nine days in the hospital with my dad. She sat beside me and said with tears in her eyes. "Daddy is gone."
I remember that night having a nightmare, I watched as my dad slipped away. I woke up, shivering and sweating.
I get a text from my best friend at the time that said "I heard what happened, I am so sorry."
I don't remember practically anything for about a month after the funeral. I do remember that about a year and a half later my depression that I had been suppressing had come back to bite me in the butt. I was depressed for months. I self harmed and thought the world would be fine without me. Because what could I, the depressed girl who can't figure it out, do to help the world. I constantly thought "I can't do it." But I found an amazing therapist, and got ride of toxic people in my life. I found out that I am attracted to boys and girls.

Remember that you have a 100% success rate of not dying. You can do this. You have everything you need to beat your own demon. You just have to take the first step, what ever that may look like to you. I believe in you! 💜