This is me.

Letters to Tim

I didn't want to upset my grandmother

When she saw a picture of you stuck on my closet door. 

So I talked about you in the present tense

And of all things, that hurt the most, pretending that you were alive. 

Because I wished more than ever

that what I was saying was true 

and that you were here, alive. 

...

Sometimes, I miss you. 

Hell, I mean...I miss you every day, every moment. 

Sometimes,  I miss you more than ever. 

But when I see your face in my phone gallery,

your smile and your momentary joy frozen in time

I'd like to believe nothing happened at all. 

I look at those pictures with your back to the camera

and imagine wrapping my arms around you.

I think about what cologne you must be wearing 

I'm sure it must smell amazing because you have good taste. 

Tim, I get dreams of meeting you and begging you to stay

please 

please

please don't leave me...

I always wanted to give you a rose and a letter the day you changed my life. I dreamt of thrusting them in your calloused firm hands, hugging you, probably crying while you stand there awkwardly, because let's be real. I would react in the same way. 

But now, I'll hand you the letter and the rose, and maybe light a candle for you

And place it on the ground on which you were cremated in. 

I miss you. 

...

I put my head down on the table and 

closed my eyes in the middle of one of my classes. 

I was thinking of you. And how much I missed you. 

I was thinking of what could have been if you were alive. 

All of a sudden, I felt like I was being embraced. 

Warm, firm and comforting. 

I opened my eyes to see who hugged me but I found no one. 

Tim, was it you? 

... 

I Will never know what your favourite colour is

I will never know your favourite band. 

I will never know your favourite deodrant. 

I will never be able to see you celebrate your 30th birthday. 

That makes me feel so terrible, that when I'm here turning 21, because you saved me, you will never turn 30 because both of us couldn't save you. 

...