How many times had they asked me to sing again? I had lost count now. 2013 I had thought the music had come back, 'A' was a great album and I'm very proud of it but after it I was silenced again. I don't know why but when the silence comes it is deafening and I've had it for too long now. I want to sing but I have become old and I don't have the people around me that I need to sing at my best, there's only one person that is able to break the silence around me and let me out of my own prison. I lost him 38 years ago. Time and age are cruel mistresses, with the benefit of years I wonder what would have become of us if we had both been a little less arrogant, stubborn and selfish. He is happy I think. Me? I am at peace. I have paid a heavy price for my lack of faith and my impetuous action. I think actually I've paid the price enough for both of us.
It is a lifetime ago now, I have lived the only life I could have done since, I have made bad choices and faced the consequences. There has been much joy, so much joy that I wouldn't have missed for the world though. Our children are the testament to our love, they are grown and have given me my precious grandchildren. I am surrounded by them and I'm grateful that they fill my world. I worry that I am a burden to them, they know I find the world harsh and confusing, they know my experiences make me wary and scared but I try to hide the worst of it. They must have life, their own life. I did not bring them up to be like me, I don't want that for them and luckily it is not the case. They have flown high, both of them, all of them and I couldn't be more proud. If that is to be my legacy then nothing would make me happier. There have been times, very dark times when I genuinely thought they would be better off without me, when I inadvertently bought such chaos into their lives but I fought through for them and I'm glad I did, so glad for I have seen so much love and joy.
I do not see him so much now the children are grown, it has not got easier over the years for me, it has got harder. It's hard for me to see him, to be close to him. It hurts as much as it ever did, I didn't mean to let him go, not really. I was trying to get him to react to me, to take notice of me, to SEE his family, to remember that he loved us. I lost my temper with him that night and in doing so I lost my world. We were only supposed to be gone until he came for us. A week later he met her and so my fate was sealed. He never came.
I think of Benny's phonecall earlier today and wonder if now is the right time for what he is asking of me. These are the people that I need around me to make me safe enough to sing. If I can't do it with them then the silence will never lift again. Have I been heard for the last time or am I brave enough to face him once more? Do I have it in me to add to the legacy before it's too late? So many questions, so many demons. The light grows dim around me as I wrestle with my mind.
I don't know how much time has passed before I feel the need to talk to the only other person in the world who understands me and get another perspective. I reach for the phone and let it ring. I hear that beautiful, familiar voice.
Frida.
It was like she had been waiting for the call, she listened to my fears, she listened to my pain, she soothed my mind. I asked her to come. I have never asked this of her before but I cannot leave Sweden for now. I need to see her, to talk with her. My best friend. She does not judge me, nor belittle me or condemn me. I am as I am with Frida. They always used to say we hated each other. That could not have been further from the truth, our relationship is unique and it is forged in iron. It survived the flames of ABBA when our marriages did not. People do not know us, the real us. Her words soothed my worries, she promised she would come on the next plane she could. She would keep her promise I knew. She would come for me.
Daylight chased away the darkness as it always did and I woke to another day. I could hear the kids outside and they made me smile. Always a reason to get up. Showered and dressed I made my way downstairs. I made tea and as I waited for it to be ready I watched the grandchildren playing in the shared yard. I was so lucky to have seen them grow, to have lived with them next door. I took my tea out onto the veranda with a blanket and settled in a chair to watch them. Before long I was noticed and suddenly surrounded by my little loves. I hugged and kissed all of them, even the ones who felt they were too old for it put up with their Granny and her funny ways. They never failed to lift my heart. I saw Linda coming out of the corner of my eye and turned my head to greet her. I smiled as she reminded me of us. She was the perfect mix of us and she reminded me every day of how lucky I still am. She pulled the other chair closer and sorted the blanket so we shared it and held my hand.
"Mama, you are well?" "Yes darling, today I am well" she smiled then and settled back. " What will you decide Mama?" She asked gently. I did not need to ask her where she was talking about, it's a question that had not left my mind since Benny called. I sighed "Linda, I do not know. I am old now, so old. I'm nearly 70. Maybe we should leave the legacy as it is. It is a beautiful one. Even I can see that now. I don't know why Benny and Bjorn have changed their minds. They have said no for us all for so many years and I have been happy with that. Abba is a beautiful, special memory and maybe we should leave it there" I sighed. "You know, Papa would never ask if he didn't think you could do it, he always has faith in you, always" I smiled and stupid, stupid old heart of mine never failed to have the same reaction to any discussion of him. Linda smiled at me and continued "Mama I think you would regret it if you didn't, the time is now. Papa is fascinated by this new technology and ABBA have always been at the cutting edge of everything. He doesn't want to do it with anyone else, he has lots of other projects but he wants to do it with you and ABBA. It would only add to the legacy Mama. Give him this" I met her eyes. "Linda, what if I can't sing anymore? What legacy is that? An old washed up crazy woman who lets her best friends and him down? What if I get in there and he hates my voice? It would destroy me for good. I would be able to see it in his eyes" I shook my head knowing I was talking myself out of it and it wasn't even the worst of it yet. Linda sighed and said "he would never think that, he fell in love with your voice!" I snorted "Yes darling, 50 years ago! 50 years is a long time, I sound different now, a LOT different and he's certainly not in love with me now " Linda rolled her eyes and kept her counsel. "Mama, I don't want to argue with you but I'm think you need to tell him you know. He deserves to know." I glared at her "Linda we've discussed this. I don't want anyone else to know and especially not him. He's been through enough, besides why does he need to know. I am nothing to him now. I haven't been for nearly 40 years" Linda sat open mouthed "Mama! How can you say that? You love him. You never stopped. You aren't nothing to him! You won't let him near you! You only see him at Christmas. You haven't let him come here for years and still it does not stop him asking for you" I couldn't control my tears. "Linda, won't you understand?? It's BECAUSE I love him only because I love him that I protect him. He has a life, a GOOD life now with beautiful children and maybe soon more grandchildren with her. I won't allow him to come into my damaged world. Don't you see?? He needs to stay away. I'm better alone because when I see him I ache and I'm too old for that. I don't want him to see me like this. These are words I shouldn't share with my daughter but you're a grown woman and I need to make you understand. I will love him with my dying breath and I will not hurt him" I sat back drained and exhausted. "Oh Mama" Linda said with tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry, I understand. I do really. I just think he would want to know. He'd want to help, to support you." "No!" my final word.
After the silence I said "Frida will come soon, I need her. I spoke to her last night. I need to talk to her about it. She understands how it will feel." Linda felt a little hurt. "Linda, don't. She is the only one who understands how I was then, how it will feel to work with ex husbands again. You are too young for the first bit and the second bit even as old as you are you do not need to know the complexities of my relationship then with Papa ok?" I hugged her and winced a bit. Linda smiled a bit, it made sense. She loved Aunt Frida and it had been too long since she had seen her. "When will she come?" I shrugged. "She said she would catch the first plane she could so I'm not sure, maybe I should call her and see when she will leave. Linda and I sat in companionable silence for a while watching the children play, we had fresh hot tea and each other. Today was a good day.
"Mama?" "Hmm?" "Will you tell Frida? If you do this someone needs to know, if I'm there all the time Papa and Benny will be suspicious and you need your best friend" I stayed silent as I considered what Linda had said. It hadn't occured to me but it was a fair point. I made a decision "Linda, I promise that if I decide to go ahead with it I will tell Frida ok?" Linda let out a relieved sigh and said
"Yes Mama"
