Heart's Desire [ Min Yoongi FF ] ☑

Gloomy Skies

He has come to realize that when someone he love dies, he don’t just have to say goodbye to them at the time they passes away but also at every crossroad.  He has discovered that there are endless firsts and tough moments to get through, not just obvious ones like holidays and big events, but many others that are equally if not more challenging to struggle through under the heavy blanket of grief.

He look forward to firsts – the first day he woke knowing there won't be any good morning texts,  the first time to drive car without having her telling him to stay safe. Firsts seem happy and are something we treasure.  But, somewhere along the line, he suffered a loss, and he have to adjust.  And then the firsts that come can bring about a sadness that is hard to shake.

And so as he travel through the forest of firsts and other challenging moments in the midst of his shock and his sadness, he was forced to let go, one finger at a time.  For him , the milestones have been hard, but some of the most difficult things to get past so far for him have been the ones I didn’t see coming.

Topping the list are The Flashback Moments. The first time he went to visit someone in the hospital after leaving the one with Haneul and knowing she wouldn’t be coming back.  In the elevator when he was visiting her cousin that day, he almost had a panic attack when the flashback hit, and the unexpected flood of emotions that swept through him was shockingly debilitating.

When he heard about someone having a baby, he flashed back to when he told Haneul about his love towards kids and he heard himself singing to her and having a one-sided conversation with her.

There was also the first time he went to a funeral after he’d buried her and the first time he realized he was in the exact place he was when he found out Nana was sick.

  There were the flashback from every time he heard someone say “Sky” just the way he used to call Haneul , and from when he heard a song that she used to sing while cooking and know the only way he will ever hear her beautiful voice again is in his dreams. The toughest of these Flashback Moments so far, though, was walking into her parent's house the first time he'd been there after she wasn’t. 

During all of these times, his mind was pulled back to another time. Seeing her little sister cry, seeing her parents cry they were left with her only. Her mother kissing his cheek wishing him life time happiness, how could he be happy when she left him.
Sometimes it is to a happy, healthy time, but more often it’s to darker days that let him know that he was still heavily in the midst of grieving.

And then there were The Stinging Moments, those that rub salt into his wounds. The times when he was watching TV and the story line was one in which a character was dying .  When he closed his eyes to go to sleep at night and all he could picture was the image of Haneul frailty at the end. The times when he was searching for a contact on his phone or in his email and her name automatically pops up.

The time he checked his calendar just a couple of weeks after her passing and he saw his notes about the trip to the Jeju Island that they were supposed to be taking that trip . Those were the times he keep forgetting to expect, the ones that left him with a just-slapped feeling that he was not sure would ever go away.

Probably the most frequently occurring difficult times for him since She went on ahead had been The Empty inbox moments , the ones in which he was startled again by her absence.  He thought about him many times each day, he fall asleep with tears on his pillow almost every night, and he talk to her in the car pretty often – so that part of missing her had become part of her routine those days.  But friends vacations and holiday gatherings were so tough without her . He keep thinking about how she would’ve loved the things that they were all able to do, the ones that she now wasn’t there to do … going the beach, riding a roller coaster, playing with the kids, listening to the conversations and the laughter.  All of those moments together that feel so great except for the fact that she’s missing.

The first time he went on a run after she died, he got about a mile from his house and the tears started; being out there on the road by himself, away from any distractions and so aware of the empty space beside him, was tough, and he didn’t see that coming.  He wasn’t that he never ran without her before; it was that this time he was running and he was so acutely aware of the fact that she wasn’t. She couldn’t be. She wouldn’t be again.

He couldn’t hear it in her voice or see it in her eyes. The times when I need to ask her a question and she wasn’t there to give the answer that only she knew. Ouch.

Also making the list are the surreal Not-Supposed-To Times when he had to do something that he shouldn’t have to be doing – like when he visit her grave, like when he had to clean out his car to sell it, and every time he hear her voice telling someone that she passed away.

And finally, there are The Obscure Moments, those unique to her and perhaps even imperceptible to others who didn’t know her in the exact way he did .

Even the minor everyday times could come in intermittent blasts, like when he ate an apple and catch himself thinking he should just go ahead and eat the core too (“It saves time!” she used to say.)

Those things left him with an aching in his heart because she enjoyed them so thoroughly and now she couldn’t.  But at that same time, somehow those memories bring a smile to his face as hr remember how unique a person she was, and how her perspective and her “don’t sweat the small stuff” attitude are something he would carry with him forever.

With all of those unexpected moments, he was left to wonder: Did it get easier when those firsts happened again as seconds, and then thirds, and then so on? Did the shock and the pain lessen as the time when she was here gets further and further out, like a balloon floating in the sky?

Haneul's death was somewhat shock and something Linta never even thought for the millionth wildest dream.

That day when he didn't receive that phone she thought he might be busy but her gut feeling was telling her that something was not right. So she called him again this time line got cut and he received his text telling her " Haneul is in hospital , she accidentally gulped a piece of glass pray for her please " she couldn't believe her own eyes

She immediately tell they boys and they all went to Daegu by the time they reached there it was too late.

Linta waa crying all the way. It was extreme shock for her.

Dr told them that glass had injured all her inner organs and bleeding was unable to stop blood lost made lost her life.

They had never seen him this much devastated.
He death made her realized that she didn't loved him just because of Yoongi but also for who she was.

Its been after week when they return back to Seoul she was lying on her bed when phone beeped, a message from Haneul's account. Suddenly her eyes lit up may be she was alive may be it was all a lie.

" I'm Jimin Haneul's cousin and you must be Yoongi's cousin right. Haneul have told me about you. I have a request for you , you have to take care of Yoongi he really is a nice guy don't let depression take over him , stay with him and try to start his relationship again after a month or try. Divert his attention from Haneul at any cost. Pray for her peace. May God keep you happy. We are deactivating this account. Good bye "

Before she could reply they deleted that account and she was unable to reply.

She wanted to ask how can she take care of someone else when she herself was annihilated

but she knew she had a lot to return Yoongi , reminiscing how he stood behind her showing her light during the darkest of times. She had do the same.

What she hadn't knew was Yoongi would uproot someday the one who would be kept walking on that backtrack was Linta.

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On a quick note Haneul means; Sky