Into the Crowd. ✔

CHAPTER 14

My knee was bobbling up and down, restless as the two of us sat in line in the waiting room of Dr. Hendrickson, waiting on Taylor while the doctor did his necessary assessment. Wednesdays are slowly starting to be my least favorite day of the week. I looked over at Maddie where she sat next to me. Her facial expression was stern, but I could feel the nervousness in the tight hold she has on my hand. Ten minutes later we were called in and we took our seats in front of his very intimidating desk, scattered with files and note pads. I reached out to introduce myself, shaking his hand.
"Well it's been two months since the last follow-up appointment." He sighs sitting back into his chair.
"This is not easy on any parent to know their child is sick. I see it every day in this job." He says, swirling his pen between his fingers.
"Since Taylor was born she had to go under the knife three times, three different surgeries. The Norwood Procedure, Bi-directional Glenn Shunt Procedure and the last surgery, the Contan Procedure when she was three." I already knew that. I've seen it a handful of times myself.
"The Hypoplastic left heart syndrome defect is very complex as you both know. After all the surgeries and now that she is getting older- the heart muscles struggle to contain their strength and as she grows it would only weaken, but only at a faster pace "Somehow my own mind was threatening to shut down. I look over at Maddie sitting stock still in that chair, shaking her head as tears threaten to escape. I tightened the hold on her hand. Trying to let her know that she is not alone that I am here to carry the weight.
"She's been so tired lately, but I have written it of as excitement about her dad being back in our lives. Even stress about my accident a couple of weeks ago." She choked out. Her hold on my hand loosening. Her resolve was fading and my heart was breaking.
"So this means that she needs a heart transplant." I said, not wanting it to be a question. I already knew the outcome when he told us about the weakened muscles.
"Yes. Sooner rather than later." He says tapping the pen twice then scribbled something on his note pad.
"How long?" I ask softly. I know that there will come a day, in the nearby future, that my little girl's heart might stop beating. I want to scream. I want to cry, but I need to stand strong for them. For myself.
"A couple of week’s give and take. Three months at the longest." A choke escapes from beside me. Maddie was shaking, tears streaming down her cheeks. I got up sinking to my knees in front of her chair, pulling her closer into my arms and let her cry. Her tears soaking my shirt. After a couple of minutes she settles down, wiping at her tear streaked cheeks. I pressed a hard kiss to her temple and sat back down pushing my seat closer to hers.
"We'll need to put her on the transplant list as soon as possible." Putting her on that list would also be a risk. There is a lot of questions running through my mind. What if it's not fast enough? Would I actually wish someone dead, just to give my daughter a chance at a real life? Where she can run. Actually run. Swim. Dance?
"Is there anything we can do now?" Maddie's voice sounded next to me. It was a forces whisper.
"She'll need lots of rest. No running and no heavy lifting of any sorts." She nods. The doctor reached inside his desk to pull out a thick folder.
"You'll need to fill this out. As soon as possible. Further instructions would be inside, but if you need anyone to talk to, don't hesitate to call."
"Thank you, doctor." We pulled ourselves together for Taylor's sake when we joined her where she was waiting outside the office with one of the staff members. We didn't say anything, but I picked Taylor up, carrying her back to the car in my arms like she was still five years old. On the drive back to the apartment was silent. Both of them were in the backseat, leaning against each other starring out of the windows into the busy city street. Inside I was still met with the same silence. Vicky should have to wait to be updated. They both were sitting on the couch waiting for me to join them to talk. Maddie held Taylor's hands in hers while she told her what the doctor said. A sounded I never heard before left my daughter and I started to break down little by little. My hands were shaking as I saw Taylor rushing from the room. Crying hard. Then I heard the loud crack when her door slammed shut. I honestly do not know what to do. I sat there quietly for minutes. Maddie was crying pacing the room up and down and I sat there like a coward while my world crumbles around me. Then I got up. Gave Maddie a kiss on her forehead, grabbed my car keys and I was out the door. Running towards my car. I raced down the streets. Ran a couple of stop signs in the process of going to the one place I can feel save right now. I pulled up at the front gates, pushing the electronic button to open then. The tires squealing as I took off to park in front of the house I bought for us. The one I want to share with Maddie and Taylor. The one with her purple room. Down in the basement I sank down on my knees, slowly banging my head against the wall. I pulled out my cellphone and automatically dialed Charlie's name, but I was once again met by his voicemail box.
"Charlie…Charlie please answer. I need you man. I need my brother right now." I choked out a sob as I left him a voice message.
"Taylor, she doesn't have long. I need you here. You were always there. I need my big brother. Please call me as soon as you get this message. Everyone is coming over to the new house on Saturday. Please say you'll be there." I dropped the phone on the floor and sat there and stare at the wall for an hour. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the black guitar case leaning against the wall. I stretched out as far as I could to pull it closer to me. I looked at the guitar for a minute then picked it up. Pushing the case away I settled the guitar on my lap. Tuning the strings, something I haven't done to this instrument in over ten years. Now was the time. So I played a couple of chords, getting into a comfortable rhythm and started to sing the first words that came to my mind. It was only after the last note died out that I saw the figure standing on the steps.
I've been broken for ten whole years. Been trying to bury all my fears. I covered it in grass. I covered it in dirt. Covered everything just to conceal this hurt.You woke me up. You make me feel. As though you are here. As though you are near. You woke me up.You made me feel. As though I am alive. As though I can heal. Our lover is better than one. Our love is greater than two. My life was made to spend it with you. I thought I could love no one. But then I loved one. Now I love two. Please don’t go, I’ll give you my heart to…
"I thought you left me." Came her soft voice, shivering with fear from across the room.
"Maddie." I got up from the floor and rushed towards her. Crashing my body into hers. I sweep her up in my arms and buried my neck in her hair. Breathing her in.
"Never." I lifted up my head, slowly putting her feet back on her feet. I cupped her cheeks in my hands, thumbing away the tear tracks.
"I just needed some time to think. I'm sorry I scared you like that. I will never do it again, I promise."
"I'm so, so scared Josh."
"I am to. So scared. I can't lose her now. I just found her." I let my own tears start to fall free.
"She'll get through this. She has to. I can't sit back and watch her heart stop beating."
"All we have to do is pray. Pray that God would give us this miracle. That's all I can ask."
"Let's go home. Let's go be with our daughter."

*

Ben and Martin was sitting on the couch sipping on some tea when we got back to the apartment.
"Had she come out of her room yet?" Maddie asks as soon as she sees them.
"No. She's been quite." Ben says as he and Martin gave us each a hug then they were gone.
"I'll go and talk to her." I told Maddie. Her room was still closed shut, but I gave it a small knock before I opened it and went in. She was curled up in the bed. Her chest moving up and down in a slow rhythm. She was sleeping. The bed dipped beneath my weight as I lowered myself down next to her. Her body stirred and slowly her dark eyelashes lifted. She looked up at me with her tired green eyes. Seeing the dark circles for the first time.
"So it's true. My heart's going to stop."
"I won't let that happen. I just found you and I will do everything in my power to keep you right here."
"I'm scared daddy."
"I know you are, but so am I and so is your mom."
"Is she alright?"
"She's hurting, but she loves you so, so much Taylor. You need to let her in. Let me in."
"I'm just so tired."
"I know baby, but you need to stay strong. You need to hope, to keep faith even at the worst of times." She looks away.
"Look at me, Taylor. I love you. I wish I was there every single day since you were born. To hold you. To hold your mom, but life was planned this way whether we like it or not. And I know, for a fact, that life can't go on without YOU."
"I love you too daddy. I have wished for you every day."
"Come on. Let's go eat some pizza and ice cream and maybe throw in another Harry Potter movie in as well." We went into the living room and found Maddie sitting cross legged on the couch going through the transplant papers, but hides it quickly underneath another magazine when she saw Taylor coming into the room with me.
"I'm going to order some pizza. Any preferences?"
"Anything that seems good would be fine." Maddie says tumbling with the magazines.
"Be back in a bit my love." I leaned down and kiss her lips swiftly before Taylor came and cuddle up next to her. They were talking softly at each other as I went into the kitchen to make the call. Before I could pull out my cellphone it started to ring. I saw Charlie's name flash on the screen. I sighed in relieve.
"Josh. I got your message. Tell me what's going on?!" I looked out of the kitchen where they were still talking to make sure that they don't here the conversation and get Taylor more upset than she already is. I kept my voice in a low whisper.
"It’s not good mate. She needs a heart within at least three months."
"Shit."
"Indeed."
"Do you need anything?"
"Would you come on Saturday? I want you here. I want to tell Ezra and Drew the news then and I would appreciate if you would keep quit until then."
"Yes. Anything."
"Josh I-"
"I'm sorry Charlie. I am. I'm sorry that I hit you and for yelling and throwing you out." I ran my hand through my hair. He wasn’t talking.
"I know you had to do what you think was right, knowing that it was for the best. I know you meant well, but still. It hurts. It still does, but I am willing to live with it, because you are my brother. My flesh and blood and nothing would ever change that." I heard a soft sniffle in the background.
"Thank you Josh. You're the only family I have left. Now you have one of your own and you need to protect them. I am truly, truly sorry about how I hurt you to save the skin of a family I didn't know, when I was supposed to protect my own."
"I love you brother. I'll see you in a couple of days." Thirty five minutes later the two pizzas arrived. We watched another movie as a family, but into the second one Taylor slowly started to dive back into sleep...