Into the Crowd. ✔

CHAPTER 19

"No! No! No!" I scream with the terror along with the feeling of my body hitting the ground. Somewhere in the background I could hear loud voices. Josh's body being held back by one of the male nurse. His lips were moving, but I couldn't understand a word he was screaming. Five minutes ago she was still breathing. Talking. She smiled. Black and white dots started to display in my vision. My own breathing become unsteady, my heart beating without consent. My healthy heart. The heart I wanted to give my daughter so she could live. So she can breathe. Every movement that was made was in slow motion. One particular voice broke through my senses. I look up at where Josh harshly pushes the male nurse aside then grabbing the doctor by the lapels of his blue scrubs.
"Again!" I screams into the man’s face.
"Dammit, I said try again!" The doctor shook his head, but Josh was already at Taylor's side. Jumping up on the bed. His legs straddling her hips on both sides. He started chest CPR. Counting then leaned over to do the rest. I silently begged the doctors and nurses to try again. Suddenly Josh was picked up from the bed by three other men who I didn't even realize was in here with us. Then the doctor mentioned with his hands to bring back the defibrillator. Josh's body relaxes in their grasp when he saw what they were doing. There was a moment of complete silence, before the machine started to vibrate my senses. Slowly in my mind the time stood still as I watch her body being shocked once more. That was when I heard a deep intake of breath and a soft-muffled scream.
I was shaking from top to bottom as I literally crawled my way to the bed. The doctor and nurse look about the room in surprise. Josh was already by her side. Talking and to her, encouraging her to stay with us, too hold onto the last bit of thread. The moment I got to his side he pulled me up, resting his head beneath my chin, clinging to each other. His own sobs rolling through him. That's when I realizes I had a second chance with my baby. How many can I take? How many can she take? Maybe one last chance just to say goodbye, a chance to do it right. To tell her that it is okay, even though it isn’t.
"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." I prayed to God. Josh joined me with his own prayers as we held our daughter close. Listening to her weak heartbeat through the monitor. It's weak, bit it is still there. She didn't give up. We stayed strong, but for how long? The only option that was left was for Taylor being put on life support. They escort us out of the room as a precautions while they set her up, connection her fragile body with machines to bide us more time. However how long it would be.
"Maddie! Josh!" Vicky, Charlie, Ezra and Drew came rushing down the hallway when they saw us coming out of the room. I was clinging to Josh with dear life.
"Taylor? Is she- is she." Vicky spoke, but hardly nothing came out. Charlie pushed her back against his chest for support. I was thankful for Charlie showing her some support.
"No." I finally breathed out my own sigh of relief.
"Oh thank God." It wasn't after another fifteen minutes or so before we were allowed to go back into the room. Taylor was laying there unmoving. Just the sound of machines breathing for her- beating her heart for her. That was the last moment I truly believed that she will one day be alright again. Seeing her now I knew that it won't be long before we really have to say goodbye.
"I'm sorry Maddie." His arms folds around me but I pulled out of his embrace as quickly as it started. I took a few steps away from his confusing gaze and kept mine hidden behind my hair.
"I think you should go." I say softly into the room. Hoping he doesn’t hear me, but he does and tries to step closer but I retreated again as soon as he made a move.
"What?"
"You should go. You shouldn't be here, too see this." I don't know what I am doing pushing him away. After everything, but I just can't look at him right now. It was like I was being pushed into that shell again. Forgetting about everything he meant to me and what he has done for me these past months. I was being pushed and pushed into that black hole until I push away the last person I should. Seeing Taylor in that bed only makes matters worse.
"Yes, I should be here. Why wouldn't I be here?" He makes another move to come to me, but he stopped, pulling himself back when I almost flinched at his touch.
"Maddie what's going on?" He begs with tears in his eyes, but I can’t seem to stop the words forming in my mouth. Someone else took over.
"I have been here for her for almost ten years. You've been here for three months. So yes, Josh I am not alright. I don't think I will ever be alright again." I know I am hurting him. I can see it in his eyes. Hear it in his voice, but still I couldn't stop. The black spots starts a rhythmic dance in my mind.
"You don't mean that."
"I do." He finally crosses the distance between us. His hands comes up and cups my face. This time I didn’t push away.
"No you don't Maddie, because you forgot one very important thing." His thumbed caresses my temples, soothing the ache.
"And what's that?” My eyes meets his. I saw the strength in them. The love. The pain. The hurt, all rolled in one.
"I know you. I know you better than I know myself. So I will go, wait right outside that door and when you're ready you'll come right out and back into my arms." Then he was gone, leaving me with a breaking heart and a dull ache between my eyes.