Pokemon - From the Brink

Chapter 43 - Sayonara, Bystander

"It really is dark down here..." I looked out at the courtyard from inside. The Sun was nowhere to be seen. I didn't even know if it was out anymore – for all I knew, the Moon could be in the sky. Overhead was nothing but darkness, as a canopy of earth and vines provided us with cover.

I came to a stop beside one of the doors and just stared into the darkness, vaguely lit by the low lights from all angles of the complex. Something about the view spoke to me in that moment, as if I was at the centre of that pitch-black space. The low lights illuminating the perimeter were everyone else, shining and embracing the best parts of themselves, while I remained in a shadow of my own making.

"I always do this..." I frowned. "I always manage to be a downer... I know it's my own damn fault." I thought about what my book had told me and shook my head. "No, don't ridicule yourself... Gotta think positive..." I looked up for a moment, but the weight of my own weakness seemed to pressed my head back down, and my gaze settled on the floor. "If only it were that easy... It doesn't matter if I try to think positively, because the negative stuff just won't go away..." I brought my hand to my face and touched it, but the feel of it was cold and empty. "I'm not good enough for this... Any of it... I shouldn't be here..."

"Amigo?"

"Huh?" My heart jumped when I heard Gabi's voice. The Mexican boy was standing right next to me, but I hadn't even heard him come close. Had he been talking but I hadn't heard him?

"What's wrong? You seem upset." He reached out and put his hand on my shoulder.

"I... It's nothing." I smiled.

"Really?" He tried to get a look at my eyes, but I couldn't bring myself to meet his.

"Yeah..."

"...You're not alone." Gabi smiled. "Don't feel like you have to suffer on your own, ok?"

"Mm..." I still didn't face him.

"All right. But I do think it would help to talk to someone, Amigo. If not to me, then to someone else – anyone. It won't do you any good to run off and sulk on your own, ok?" He patted my shoulder before taking his hand away. "Especially now, because... If worst comes to worst, nobody should have any regrets."

His words sent a shiver down my spine.

"Either way, I think it's best to speak up. Take care." Gabi left with a smile.

"How...? How does he do it...?" I watched him go, feeling inferior. "He just waltzed up to me and offered to help, just like that...How does he smile like that, even though he knows how dire this all is...?" I shook my head and leant back against the wall.

In my mind, the best version of myself was someone like Gabi, who, despite their own issues, would always be willing to help people in need. But in reality, no matter how much I thought I wanted to help people, I was always too consumed in my own problems to reach out – always too scared to butt in.

Even then, when I did need help, I would always turn it down, out of a need to not be seen as a nuisance or a burden. I knew it was stupid – people like him only wanted to help. But no matter what, I could never muster up the strength to cry out for the help I knew I needed.

"You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves..." I thought, the saying pinning itself into my consciousness. "But that's not it... I do want help... I want to get better... Don't I...?"

A light in the ceiling flickered and I found myself terrified by my own question. I did want to get better, didn't I...?

"Of course I do!" I shook my head and frowned. "Why the Hell would I choose to feel like this? I don't want to be afraid anymore! I don't want to feel so useless all the time!" I felt my hands shake. "But... I... I've felt this way for so long. If I really did want to change... Wouldn't I have tried to do it already...?" I felt lost. All this fear, this anxiety and sadness – of course I didn't want it at all. But I was beginning to feel like I hadn't ever done anything about it. Like I had been complacent this whole time – as if I had been waiting this whole time, for someone or something to come along and change the way it all made me feel. I knew that I was the only one who could enact the change I wanted, but even so, I had always been so scared of it that I had never really tried at all. Even now, coming to realise this, it felt like an impossible situation.