Diversity「A Random Book 」

friends

if we stand at opposite ends of a field,

full of butterflies and flowers of all kinds.

will you meet me in the middle,

or are there better things for you to do?

you look so happy, far away out there,

the butterflies dancing round and round,

you dancing with them too as i consider,

do i go or do i stay?

my heart tells me to go, and that is what i do,

i ask, "can i join you?" and you reply,

"if you want to," with a sullen look in your eyes

i wonder if i did something wrong.

maybe i should have left you alone,

shouldn't have ruined your happiness. 

if only i didn't need someone to love me,

as much as i love them.

                   ;

when i say love that applies to friendship love as well.

i've thought about this a lot. my favorite band's message is to love yourself, and i've been trying, but i've been struggling to not need others to be happy. i feel like i always have to insert myself into the person's life, rather than them expanding it to include me. i feel like i'm always the one trying and it's stressful.

i know irl maybe three or four people to will specifically reach out for me, rather than me reaching for them. and only two people who will ask me if something is wrong.

i feel like i'm being greedy—some people don't have anyone who cares about them. but it's hard to watch the people i love reach out for others and pretend i'm not there.

uhg, friends are complicated.