The Art of Pretending

10 | suspicions

ethan: i feel like you aren't being truthful with me

My throat closes up and I stiffen. I know that I should have expected this sooner or later, but this was sooner. 

ethan: you've changed a lot

I groan, my shoulders slumping as my mind races to think of valid excuses.

ethan: that's not your fault or anything
ethan: but angel
ethan: do you remember what happened

No, I don't remember what happened. As Ashley, I should probably say yes, but if he asks me about it, I would be trapped.

me: no

I can feel the tension across miles as he reads my text. It's palpable, a solid thing, blocking me and holding me back.

ethan: why not
ethan: were your injuries that bad?

So the situation involved an accident, where Ashley got badly hurt. I'm hopelessly trying to piece this together, thinking of all the possible things that could have happened. There are so many possible scenarios, and I feel lost just thinking of all of them.

ethan: you know, we all suspected it was due to it
ethan: we heard that your parents moved you away for your safety
ethan: especially after you almost died
ethan: there was someone with you
ethan: didn't they die or something?

His words are blunt and brash, stating out the brutal truth. I feel so bad for Ashley, feeling horrible for taking an innocent girl's place. Moreover, I can sympathize with her, knowing what it feels like to lose someone.

ethan: ashley? please respond

me: i'm still here

ethan: i don't want to bring back any bad flashbacks
ethan: but we heard that you hit your head pretty bad
ethan: and may have lost your memory

The whole "lost memory" is awfully familiar to me, and I can definitely connect with Ashley. Her whole life sounds terribly similar to mine, but I know that if I were her, I would not forget someone like Ethan.

I had to ask mom about this, to find out the truth. The Ashley that Ethan always talks about sounds so much like me, yet at the same time, I doubt it is.

me: i have

I need him to stick with me, to stop suspecting me, until I can get to the bottom of this. I need to figure this out, find the real Ashley, and find out the truth.

ethan: did you forget about me?

And I knew everything only led up to this. Everything that had happened were all things that he used to finally, finally, drop the question.

me: i've forgotten some things, i'm sorry

The real Ashley probably had not. But if I want to minimize my chances of slipping up, I need to make it seem more like my case and more realistically similar to me. And, if the real Ashley is truly me, then I've lied again. I've forgotten him completely.

I put my phone down and open the door of my room, running down the stairs. "Mom!" I yell, calling her name around the house.

She peers out of her room, her eyes tired, posture slumped, hair piled on top of her head in a messy hairstyle. "Yes, Ashley?"

I take a deep breath and stare straight into her eyes. "Was I there when my sister died?"

My mom was definitely not ready for a question like this, she was most likely expecting a trivial question. She blanched, face turning pale, but it all disappears. I almost feel like I imagined her expression, but I stand my ground.

"No, Ashley, of course you weren't," Mom exclaims. "You were much younger, and you were still in school. Your older sister," she says, her throat bobbing as she can't bear to say the name, "was being a reckless teenager."

Her face hardens. "She brought it upon herself. It was her fault. We had no idea what had happened until news finally reached us. But by then, it was too late."

Everything she said made perfect sense, but I can't shake the nagging feeling that something is wrong, that something is off.

"What about my memory?" I ask again. She's heard this question millions of times, but I can't afford to let it go. "I thought that I lost it in the accident with Ava in it." According to Ethan, this should have been what had happened.

My mom pinches the bridge of her nose and glances at me. She leans towards the wall, trying to get her body to relax. "We've been over this. You had a concussion while you were playing soccer, which led to you being in a short coma. When you had awakened, your memory was lost."

I want to scream. Nothing is adding up. Ethan is telling me completely new information while my mom is telling me the same information that she keeps telling me, information that I've been led to believe and want to believe.

"Thanks, mom," I tell her, forcing a smile despite my mixed up thoughts. She gives me one back before disappearing into her room again.

ethan: there's so much i want to say
ethan: i don't want to say it over text or phone call
ethan: i really want to see you
ethan: i want to talk to you face to face, to know you're okay
ethan: hello? angel?
ethan: wait ashley? are you still there?

My headache is growing as I try to make sense of everything and Ethan isn't helping. 

me: hey, sorry my phone died

ethan: oh okay
ethan: our islands are a few hours away at maximum
ethan: can we please plan a meet up

I stand there, staring at the words on the screen. How could I refuse? The islands are just a few hours away from each other, and I bet that Ethan's urge to see Ashley is so great that he'll travel those hours.

me: maybe
me: i'll think about it

Scrambling for excuses, reasons why I can't make it, I type different messages and never send a single one. Ethan doesn't reply, and I feel that I've hurt his feelings somehow. 

A lump grows in my throat. He wouldn't be hurt if I've just been truthful in the beginning, that I wasn't Ashley, that I wasn't the girl that he was looking for. If I had come clean in the beginning, or decided not to talk to him, to reply, to impersonate another girl.

I don't know how this is going to play out. He'll be relentless, never giving up until he talks to me over the phone or sees me in person. I don't know how long I can keep this up until guilt swallows me whole.