The Art of Pretending

18 | avalon

"I love you."

"I love you too," I murmur back, and I swear I will never get sick of saying those words to him.

Ethan's eyes brighten slightly more, and I reach to hold his hand. He immediately entwines our fingers and I look up, smiling at him broadly.

He suddenly pulls out of our kiss, and I'm left confused. He has a look of absolute shock on his face, and almost disgust. My stomach churns and I feel slightly hurt at his reaction. I can't think of anything that could cause this negative reaction from him.

"W-what's wrong?" I ask, my voice faltering. It's clear that his words have hurt me, but his face is impassive. I lean forward and grasp his hands. "Did I do something wrong?" 

"You're not her." Ethan backs away, his hands leaving mine as he pulls them out of my grasp. "You're not Ashley."

 My lip quivers as he stares at a point on the wall, decidedly not looking at me. Ethan has decided to put as much distance as he could between us, retreating to the far corner of the room. He looks at his hands and reaches up to his lips, wiping them with his sleeve.

Tears burn at the corner of my eyes. "What do you mean?" My voice is surprisingly strong, the only thing holding together compared to the rest of me. "I'm Ashley."

Ethan glances up at me, and I'm surprised to see his dark eyes filled with anger. They glint vehemently in the dim lighting, and I unconsciously back away. "No, you're not. You tricked me." His voice is shaking, full of anger and hate and accusement.

"I didn't," I protest, but even to my ears, they fall weak. Even I had doubted that I was the Ashley he was searching for, until he had persuaded me. But that could have been blamed on my faulty memory. 

He scoffs, and turns away from me as if he can't bear to look at me for another second. "Tell me, why did you do this?"

"I didn't trick you," I plead with him. My eyes beseech him to believe me, but he's still not meeting my gaze. "Ethan." My voice is firm but quiet, and I will myself to stay strong.

Ethan glances my way for a second. He runs his hand through his hair, leans towards the wall, and slumps down. He says nothing, though, and averts his eyes to stare at his floor. I note that one of his fists are clenched.

"Ethan. Can we sort this out, please?" My voice is ready to break, and tears are ready to fall out of my eyes.

I don't understand why he suddenly had a change of mind. Irrational anger bubbles out of me, and I struggle to keep my cool. I came all this way and this is what I come to? Now that he's finally convinced me of that I am Ashley, and that I loved him.

"There's nothing to fucking sort out." Ethan glares at me, and I'm once again taken aback at how dark they are. 

I try to take a deep breath but tears spill out. I can't believe this is happening to me. His face doesn't even soften a bit at all. "What did I do?" My voice is breathy, faltering. "What did I do wrong?"

Ethan laughs dryly. "You don't know?" He's absolutely sarcastic, his voice cold. He wants to inflict this pain on me, and I'm shuddering. "You're pretending to be Ashley. But you aren't. You're Avalon, aren't you?"

I blink, I'm so confused. "Who's Avalon?" 

He grabs a book and hurls it at my head, and I narrowly avoid it. My chest is heaving, and I angrily wipe away my tears. "What do you mean, who's Avalon?"

"I don't know who Avalon is!" I shout, another tear dropping onto Ethan's carpet. 

That seems to anger him even more and he marches up to me. "I can't believe you." He yanks me against him, and I fall against his body. "Fuck you." 

I bite my lips and I can feel tears start to fall. "What did I do-"

"Don't fucking play innocent!" Ethan shouts, gripping my shirt tightly. 

For the first time, I'm scared of Ethan. I'm scared of him and I whimper, trying to get out of his hold. "I- just... please tell me what I did wrong." I choke out a sob, feeling weak and powerless.

"You don't have the same scar she has."

I frown. "What?"

Ethan's hand is shaking. "You're not Ashley... I can't- you don't have the same scar on her finger she does." 

Looking down at my hands, I turn them around. "Scars can heal, Ethan. Maybe-"

"Scars don't heal. At least, this one doesn't. You've had it since you were five." He grabs my hand forcefully, prying it away from my side. He thoroughly examines my hand and then suddenly grabs my leg.

I wince slightly and he squints. "Yeah. You aren't Ashley. You're Avalon. You don't have the same scar on the leg either."

The more I think about that name, the more it seems familiar, yet I can't put my hand on it. I'm afraid to ask Ethan, who's acting recklessly right now, but I have to know. 

"Ethan, I forgot everything, okay?" My voice is rising out of exasperation, too. "Who's Avalon?"

"Well, I didn't think you could forget your own identity," Ethan sneers. But he's seemed to calm down, his anger replaced by something else. "I-I can't believed this is happening to me." he laughs, almost sarcastically. "I thought I found Ashley but instead I found her younger twin sister."

He sits up and looks at me seriously. There's no warmth in his eyes, but it's not angry either. "I just want answers, Avalon."

I feel so incredibly uncomfortable in his room, and I shift uncomfortably against the wall. "I really don't know anything. I told you, I can't remember anything. I know that my older sister died in Hawaii, but that's about it."

Ethan raises an eyebrow at me. "What's your older twin sister's name?"

And to this, I actually don't know. My eyes widen unconsciously when I realize that I can't remember. 

Ethan laughs again. "Oh, don't fucking tell me you can't remember her name either."

I can hear anger and impatience start to creep into his voice again, but there's no way I can stop it. I can't lie anymore, and I don't even know the answer myself. "I don't know." I reply softly, looking down at the plush carpet.

Ethan scoffs. "You can't remember your older sister's name? What a joke. What about your mom's name? Can you still even remember my name?"

I don't like the way he's making fun of me, but I can't do anything about it. I bite my lips and feel my eyes start to get watery. Looking back up, I see Ethan staring at me coldly, with absolutely no compassion.

This was going to be so difficult, to get him to understand. I take a deep, shuddering breath and try to calm my nerves. "I can't remember. My mom doesn't like to talk about her. She won't answer any of my questions and it was so difficult to get any mention out of her at all."

His head dips and he sighs. "I never wanted to talk about this again, but... you deserve to know." Ethan looks up at me and I immediately avert my eyes. "You and Ashley... you guys got in a car crash. I don't know the specifics, but I know one of you died."

Something suddenly connects. "That's why you said you thought I died."

Ethan nods. "Why I thought Ashley died," he corrects me, but it's without any malice. "I hoped that it wasn't Ashley, and a few years later I had some ridiculous urge to text you- well, Ashley, again."

I pull out my phone wryly and scroll up to the first text. I still remember how happy I was when I got the first text and how happy I continued to be. How happy I was to talk to Ethan, even though I was scared and I lied.

Now, I wish I never saw the text. I wish I never replied.

I fell in love with Ethan, but he doesn't love me back.

a/n: new chapter ! i'm excited to be sticking to the updating schedule and i have a bunch of chapters waiting to be published ahhh. stay safe guys <3