The Art of Pretending

19 | rain

There's something slightly bitter in me, knowing that Ashley will always be better than me. She'll always be the better sister, better twin, the one always chosen first. I'm always second, and now even to Ethan.

"Look, if you loved my sister so much, why can't you tell the difference between us?" I ask, my voice dark.

Ethan brushes his hand through his hair, mussing it up. He looks stressed and confused and as much as it hurts for me to see him like this, I'm not backing down.

It's my turn to make him feel awful and interrogate him. "You claim to love my sister but you can't even tell the difference. Instead, you blame someone who's gone through mental trauma and seriously can't remember?"

Ethan's face immediately softens and he glances at me. I refuse to look back, biting the inside of my cheek and staring at the floor. 

"I understand why you reacted like that, but why can't you think about what I feel? You're accusing me of something I can't even comprehend and you won't even let me explain."

"Oh my god, Avalon, I'm so sorry." Ethan reaches towards me but I yank my arm out of his grasp. 

I can't describe what I feel, all I know is that I'm breathing heavily and I can't think straight and Ethan is way way too close to me-

"I- this was a mistake." All I can feel is regret, so much regret. 

Ethan looks at me. "Don't say that."

I frown at him. "Why would I? This was obviously a mistake. I should've never come." I turn away, glancing out Ethan's window. "Hell, I should've never responded to your text."

"You shouldn't have lied to me." 

My anger is rising again and I fight the urge to break something. "Look. I don't know what you don't understand, but I thought I was Ashley, okay? My own mom calls me Ashley. Everyone calls me Ashley. I literally thought my name was Ashley and-"

"I'm sorry. But it's not my fault either."

"What do you mean it's not your fault?" I'm trying desperately not to scream. "You literally still haven't answered my question. How can you not tell I'm Ashley?"

"People change, you know that? You two are identical twins. It's been years. If your voice changed, if your appearance changed, how am I supposed to know? If your entire personality changed, how would I know it's a different person? Trauma can completely change a person too."

It's dead silence after. I don't want to look at Ethan, so I stare down at the ground. It's funny how such a perfect day changed into this. 

"So... you love her, but not me," I state.

Ethan slides down to a sitting position, leaning on the wall. He looks through the window at the moon and I watch as shadows are cast on his face. He looks so perfect in the moment that I want to take out my phone and snap a picture.

"Yeah, I do. I don't love you."

Something inside of me fractures, hard. My heart feels like it physically hurts, as if something actually impacted me.

"Not even a little bit?" I ask. "You can't have possibly felt nothing-"

Ethan looks at me, all cold. There's no warmth, no love in his eyes for me. "I never felt anything for you, Avalon. Only ever when I was under the impression that you were Ashley. I still love her. I'll never love you."

"How can you be so sure of that?" I'm crying now, tears streaming down. "Why can't you just give me a chance-"

"Because I fucking hate you." Ethan screams, looking at me with an exasperated expression. "I hate you so much."

I stare at him, my mouth gaping. "What did I-"

"Just shut the fuck up." Ethan's anger is returning.

"Jesus christ, I'm sorry," I whisper. "I'll leave." I quickly grab my backpack and open Ethan's door, walking out to the hallway.

"No, wait!" Ethan calls. "You can't go out there this late." His voice is suddenly muffled as I close the door behind me. He starts to open it and I throw all my weight into keeping it closed until I can sprint down the hallway.

I bet I look crazy, tears streaming down my face and still wearing a slightly damp sundress. But I could care less about my pride and dignity right now, especially when my heart is shattering. It still hurts, and I just want to get away right now. 

Ethan pushes on the door and I can feel it slightly opening. Shuddering, I inhale and take off, not looking back once. It's a relief that Ethan's mom is out to buy groceries, so she can't see me.

"Avalon!" Ethan yells again and again.

I hesitate for one second at the front door and struggle to unlock it. It gives Ethan enough time to catch up and he hesitantly touches my arm.

Whirling around, I pull my arm away from his grasp. "I'm doing you a favor. I have a phone, I have money. I can call a taxi and go home."

Our eyes meet and I struggle to not fall back into him again. "It's not safe, I don't-"

While we were talking, I was fumbling with the lock behind my back. I managed to turn it and break it open, flinging it out of my way. I hadn't noticed that it was raining when looking out of Ethan's window, but it's pouring.

I slip in my flip flops and I decide to ditch them completely. Behind me, I can hear the telltale sound of footsteps running through rain puddles. 

I stop, sliding to a standstill by the curb. Ethan rushes up to me, drenched in rain. "Avalon, oh my god." His voice is shaking, probably from the cold.

"I'm sorry. About everything." My voice cracks and I don't know what else to say. "This is goodbye, Ethan." 

"Wait," Ethan says, grabbing my arm. "Don't leave. You're sure... you're sure that Ashley is dead?" His voice is hopeful, loving, when he talks about her. And of course he doesn't care about me, nothing will ever make him care that much for me. 

I sigh, giving him a bittersweet smile. "Yes. And, well, if she is alive, then I've never seen her. I can't even remember her."

Slowly, I pry my arm out of his hands. "So she could be alive?"

"Yes, Ethan. I don't know if she's dead or not. She's most likely dead, but who knows?" I'm probably giving Ethan false hope, but it's better than seeing him so sad and angry. 

I'm shivering, the rain drenching me completely. It's so cold and I sneeze, quickly covering myself up as the yellow fabric becomes see through. I just want to get away from Ethan and never come back.

"Jesus christ you're shivering," Ethan notes, brows furrowing. He tries to guide me back into his house but I'm done.

"I'm sorry I ever came and I'm sorry that I pretended to be Ashley," I whisper, hiccuping. The rain is falling so hard that even I can't tell if I'm crying anymore. "I just want to go home."

Ethan hesitates and I pull out of his grasp. Giving him a small smile, I wave and ignore the heart wrenching feeling. He shakes his head, walking towards me, calling my name. "Avalon, just stay the night, it's not safe-"

I pick up my pace and reach the crosswalk. Shaking, I pull out my phone, trying to find myself a lift back home until I hear a loud noise. I turn towards it, glancing at Ethan, who seems just as confused as I am. 

Bright light suddenly fills my vision, and I squint. Before I can even register what happens, something collides with my body and I can faintly hear someone screaming. I realize I'm falling backwards, something's pressing on me, and I can't breathe and my head hurts and then it's all black.

a/n: hey guys, here's a new chapter! i was going to be focusing on rewriting and editing the story so that's why i took it down, but i figured i'll just repost and leave this copy up anyways. i still have quite a lot of chapters i'd prewritten, so look out for those. as usual, thanks for reading and stay safe <3