The Art of Pretending

24 | pictures

"Are you ready?" Dr. Phillips asks, smiling down at me. 

I trembled slightly, and I'm not sure whether it was from the cold or in anticipation for what was to come. "As ready as I can ever be," I reply.

He gives me a look. "I know it'll be hard but it is a new treatment. We have guaranteed results and we're approaching it from a different way. Now, your mother is going to help us."

"My mom?" I ask, frowning. 

"Yes. We're trying to bring back elements of your past to make it easier for you to remember," he states, sitting down next to me. "Not the most conventional way, but we're going to start off basic. Now, do you have any past memories of your mother?"

I nod. "I have a lot of her, mainly in my childhood. A chunk is missing, then I remember her after."

"After the accident?" he queries.

I nod again and turn to watch my mom come in. She gives me a quick smile and pulls over a chair, sitting next to Dr. Phillip.

"How is she?" She whispers rather loudly, looking pointedly at me.

"She's doing good, better than I expected. Her body has taken the accident pretty well and she's doing great physically." He moves around the room, picking up a folder and sitting back down. "Mentally, she's more stable than expected. Of course, this is a good thing, but we have to try to get as many memories as possible."

"What do you mean, get them?"

He waves an airy hand. "She most definitely has a mental block against her memories, trauma can do that to younger brains who hadn't learned how to cope with pain. Fortunately for us, reliving the experience can hopefully loosen up the block before it gets much harder for us."

Dr. Phillips looms over me and holds a picture above me. "This picture is one your mother provided for us to use. It's you, Ashley, and a boy named Ethan together in middle school. Bring back any memories?"

I squint at the photograph, and he lowers it so I can view it easier. It's an old polaroid, the colors slightly faded. I can see Ashley and I clearly, as well as the resemblance the younger Ethan shares. "Where was this?"

My mom cuts in, "Ethan's birthday party in seventh grade. You see the balloons in the background?" Her voice is hopeful, eyes pleading me to say I remember.

As much as I want to, I don't remember Ethan nor a birthday party. I shake my head. "How come you've never showed me these pictures before?"

She winces. "After the crash, you were literally spiralling. I couldn't just give them to you and watch you completely crash after all that you've been through... I also knew that it would cause a lot of questions, with answers that you wouldn't have been able to comprehend."

I bite my cheeks and nod. I do remember what I was like after the crash, and I know I wasn't in the right mental state for anything. Thank goodness we had moved away and I was able to start a normal life again.

Dr. Phillips keeps showing me picture after picture, but I don't remember. I know who they are, and I know what they are doing, but it's just another picture. It brings back no fond memories, no happy thoughts, nothing.

Until one picture, and I gasp. "Ethan- swimming?" Something faint pricks in the back of my mind and a hazy memory appears.

It was a cold morning, and I remember it was cold because I specifically asked for a thicker jacket. I don't remember much, but we were watching Ethan and Ashley participate at a school swim meet. I was sick, and I was cold, so I didn't swim.