The Art of Pretending

11 | frustration

ethan: ashley
ethan: you have to give me something

I'm on the verge of tears and I can tell Ethan's hanging on to his last string of patience. After a few days of casual talking, I couldn't help but feel such that it was the calm before a storm. I was right, and everything blew up in my face today.

me: i'm sorry

ethan: sorry isn't going to change anything
ethan: this isn't working
ethan: this is terribly one sided
ethan: i'm trying so hard to make things right, to correct my past mistakes
ethan: but what about you?
ethan: i feel like you aren't even trying, ashley

me: i am trying!

My breaths are coming out rushed and short, and I glare down at my phone screen. There's an indescribable urge to hurl my phone at the wall, to shatter it into pieces.

ethan: no, you're not
ethan: you're not even willing to call me on the phone
ethan: do you even want to talk to me anymore?
ethan: you seriously aren't trying

I bite down, hard, on my lip to prevent myself from screaming. He's not withholding any of his harsh words against me, and I snap.

me: how dare you say i'm not
me: i'm not ready to get my heart broken again, okay?
me: so pardon me if i'm a little hesitant

The mood of our conversation takes a turn.

ethan: i'm sorry angel
ethan: i just really want to hear your voice
ethan: i just really, really, really miss you

My heart breaks for this poor boy who's so in love. Who's declaring his love for a girl who he thinks is the girl he loves. Who's so clueless and trusting, who still believes me for everything.

That same guilt has been spurring me to hunt for Ashley nonstop. I've spent late nights up, avoiding Ethan's texts, ignoring Hazel, hiding out in my room from my mom.

hazel: ashley
hazel: are you avoiding me?

I want to scream in frustration, hating how my life is spinning out of control. Both Ethan and Hazel are upset with me, and I don't know what to do.

me: no, hazel, of course not
me: i would never

hazel: where are you?
hazel: you're never at school anymore, and when you are, you look terrible

I sigh, mainly because she's right. I barely sleep, driven by my urge to search for Ashley. My results have narrowed down to a number of five people due to sleepless nights fueled by cups and cups of coffee.

ethan: can we please call?
ethan: please
ethan: i won't ask again if you just let me this once

hazel: what are you even doing with your life
hazel: you didn't even come to study with us
hazel: i had to lie to my boyfriend and make an excuse for you

I don't know who to reply to, I don't know what to say to either of them. They don't deserve to hear more lies piles on top of each other.

me: i'm sorry hazel
me: i promise i'll make it up to you

First, I reply to Hazel, hoping she'll make it easier for me. I don't want her to hate me too, but at the rate this friendship is going downhill, I feel that it'll be inevitable at the end. I hope she accepts my apology, knowing that she's the kinder one out of the two.

I feel bad, taking advantage of her kindness like that, but I'm desperate. I need to save this friendship, but with Ethan being so suspicious and taking up all my thoughts, I hadn't spared any of my time for Hazel.