Denial
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I tried to change, closed my mouth more.
Tried to be soft, prettier.
Less...awake.
Fasting for sixty days. Wore white.
Abstained from mirrors.
Abstained from sex.
Slowly did not speak another word.
In that time my hair grew past my ankles. I slept on a mat on the floor. I swallowed a sword.
I levitated into the basement, I confessed my sins and was baptized in a river.
Got on my knees and said, "Amen." And I said Ameen. I whipped my own back and asked for dominion at your feet.
I threw myself into a volcano, I... I drank the blood and drank the wine.
I sat alone and begged and bent at the waist for God.
I crossed myself and thought I saw the devil.
I grew thickened skin on my feet.
I bathed in bleach and plugged my menses with pages from the Holy Book.
But still inside me coiled deep was the need to know.
Are you cheating? Are you cheating on me?
~Beyoncé
(2014 flashback)
Beyoncé's POV
Maybe I should've done my hair more.
I should've gotten more manicures and pedicures.
I should've been more submissive.
It was my fault.
"Was it?" I asked myself for what seemed to be the one millionth time. I moped around and I would zone out so often that it didn't feel like I wasn't there. Blue wasn't feeling well, so she slept and ate soup all day while laying under me.
"I'm going to the studio," his voice took my attention way from the tv.
"Yeah, sure. I don't care," I told him knowing he was lying. A few hours passed, the sun had gone down and the moonlight shined over the city. My phone started vibrating. I picked up my phone and answered it.
"Hello," I said into the phone. I heard moans, so I pulled the phone from my ear. I looked at the caller i.d. My heart dropped. I didn't understand what I was doing wrong. I quickly hung up the phone and my mind went blank. Blue's coughing brought me back to reality.
"Let's get you some medicine and you can go back to sleep, baby girl," I told her and she whined.
"I know, baby. The medicine is very icky. Mommy doesn't like it either, but it will help you feel better," I told her and she pouted. It broke my heart to see her feeling so sick. She didn't want to play or dance. She just wanted to lay up under me.
"Open up, baby," I said and she sat up to take her medicine. She drank it all and scrunched her face up.
"Nas'y, mommy," she replied with her little raspy voice.
"I know, baby. It's very nasty," I agreed. I put the cap back on the medicine and put it on my nightstand. She laid her head back on my chest and watched tv with me. I rubbed her back and she went back to sleep. She was snoring loudly and drooling. I didn't mind since she was my baby.
He came back just a few hours later. Smells of perfume and sex filled my nostrils making me sick to my stomach. He thought I was asleep, which was the only reason he came into the room to shower. He would've normally used the guest bathroom shower. I snuck out of the room with Blue in my arms to go lay in the guest bedroom. I had put new sheets and a new comforter on the bed with Blue still in my arms. I locked the bedroom door and laid down carefully.
"Where could she have gone that fast? Was she even here?" I heard him asked himself. He gave up and went back into our bedroom.
Blue tossed and turned until she was comfortable. I cried until I was numb. I felt empty. I didn't understand why.
Maybe it wasn't meant to be.
He didn't want me.
I held Blue close until I fell asleep to the sounds of her soft snores. I woke up to Blue trying to steal my body heat. Her cold little feet touched my stomach making me laugh.
"Col', mommy," she whined.
"Let me go turn the heat on," I said to her and she nodded. I got out of the bed and left the room.
"Why'd you sleep in there?" he asked me.
"Where were you last night?"
"The studio. I told you that."
"The studio? You sure? Were you watching porn at the studio?"
"What are you talking about?"
"You some how managed to dial my number while you were fucking another woman. Check your call list," I told him and walked past him. I turned the heat on and went to go lay in the bed with Blue.
Sorry for any grammatical errors.
