[old] hexes for exes, briarville girls (1)

十五。愛憎恨

（love to hate)

THERE'S JUST SOMETHING about the allure of hating someone. The feeling that you should, because isn't that what everyone else does? It's so tempting to hate someone, because it gives you a purpose, a fuel, something to live for. It makes your empty, wretched soul feel like it has a use.

And then, you continue on and on, until you can't even properly remember why you hated them in the first place, but you're too embarrassed to stop. So you continue, and it slowly becomes your only purpose, the only thing keeping you going because you have put everything behind and hate your priority. Once you reach this level, there's no going back.

You'll have to live with the loathing now. The anger, the rage, the burning sensation in your guts wanting to be released into the world, but you're too afraid to- you know they won't accept you if you show them who you truly are, but you don't want to live with the feeling of hiding your true self forever.

So you're in purgatory. There's no purpose to your life. You drift and drift and drift, a ghost in your own body, an unlit candle, a doll thrown out into the streets after your owner had tore you from limb to limb. Useless. Hopeless. There's nothing left to keep you going.

But you don't want to let go. You want to stay and hold onto that tiny sliver of hope that one day, you'll reclaim your former glory. So you remain. A waste of space, a dead girl walking. You should be long gone, you know that you're not supposed to be here, or even alive, but you're too selfish to let yourself go. You don't want to release your tight grip around the realm of the living, and you don't want to fall into hell (because why would someone like you go to heaven?).

It hurts. Just being here hurts, and you know it hurts others, but you're selfish. You don't care about them. You only care about your own pleasure, no one else. You know you should feel something for all of them, just something in that interminable black hole that's your heart, but you can't. You're hollow, you feel nothing. You're empty, void of emotions.

But now you realise that hurting people is your sole purpose. And you want to be good at everything you do. So you'll be good at hurting others, even if it hurts every inch of your soul because you know deep inside that you're not all monster.

You're human too.

Even if they all forget that sometimes.

Fine. You'll become the monster they want you to be, the monster they see you as now.

Fine, you'll ignore that gaping hole in your heart from all the people you hurt and their shattered hearts.

So you suck in all your emotions, let yourself truly feel nothing. You turn off your humanity, and now you're only logic, flesh and blood. You show the world what you're capable of. They kill you, because villains never win. You fall into hell.