To Be A Rebel

Chapter 41: Blank Space

"And I hold her head like this?"

I nod at Milo. "Yep. Just like that."

I hand him the bottle, and he sits in the rocking chair, feeding little Adora. I've noticed he never really slows down. He likes helping out, keeping his mind busy. In Abel, he was constantly working in the labs, barely getting any sleep and only eating because he knew he had to. He may have been a lab assistant, but he was a damn good one-really devoted.

Now that he's here with me at Noah Base, he doesn't have to get up at five in the morning to help Veronica study zombie blood samples or organize her notes. He's gotten a little stir-crazy because of it, so he tries to do as much as he can to keep his mind busy.

But I know that being a former lab assistant isn't the only reason why he's trying to work himself to death. I can tell by his puffy eyes and stained cheeks that he's been crying. He's pretty good at hiding it. He only shares a room with a few New Canton runners, and they're all apparently really heavy sleepers, because they don't seem to hear when Milo cries himself to sleep at night. I can't blame Phineas because he can't hear, plus he's almost just as upset as Milo about Penelope. Her death has shaken them up a lot.

That's why Milo has been working, doing chores, practicing with his pistol. I managed to find some blanks on a supply run so we don't waste our ammo. I keep an extra gun with real bullets just in case zombies come around or something.

But now I have Milo helping me with Adora. He's feeding her now, which means he has to sit down and he can't be constantly moving.

In a way, I feel rather hypocritical by making Milo do this. I mean, I did ask and he did say yes, but trying to get him to sit down seems wrong when I can barely do it myself. I've had no more nightmares, although it's only been a few days since I had the one about the Glass Protocol. But still, I've only met black when I close my eyes to go to bed. That's it, and yet I still feel so afraid when I'm alone, so consumed with terror. I can't seem to get rid of the fear, not yet. That's why I stay busy myself.

And that's why I'm a hypocrite.

But I still want to try to help. I don't want Milo to carry this alone. Not when he's so young. I had to carry Wesley's death on me when I was younger than he was, and the guilt almost ruined me. It was only because of the people I met at Abel that I began to open up again. I don't want Milo to have to go through that while I and others are already here.

"So, what have you been up to today?" I ask, taking a seat on the floor.

Milo shrugs as he continues to feed the baby. "Nothing. Really. I drew a bit, since the New Canton runners take them and hang them up on the wall. They say it's better than the 80's decoration."

"I thought Sam redecorated while we were away."

"Well, he did. He just didn't redecorate all the rooms, which I get, since he also redid the nursery and the rec room and everything. But yeah, they-they like my drawings."

"That's good."

We fall into an uncomfortable silence, and I try to wrack through my brain to get something, anything from him, but nothing comes to mind. It's like trying to figure out a good way to talk to a wall, or a rock. I would get up and try to find something else to do, but I don't want to leave him here with the baby. I mean, I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt her, and he's smart enough to know how to take care of her if I were to leave the room, but I asked him to help me, not do this for me.

"Milo, is uh, is everything okay?" I force out, the words stale on my tongue. He keeps his eyes on Adora, and shrugs again.

"Yeah. Just still not used to this, I guess."